In my darkness

In the dark center of my being

You come shining a gentle light

Albeit a gentle light it casts your shadows long...

They precede you in the race to help me

But aren’t I scared of the shadows around me...

Good or bad... shadows are mute 

And in the silence I hardly discern

I hear your feet on the heavy dust of my confidence scatter

Cowering in the corner I huddle into my arms

The only ones I trust...most days...

Aren’t I scared of the darkness for the shadows they hide...

Aren’t I scared of the darkness for the light they might let in...

Aren’t I scared of the darkness for the truth they hide

Aren’t I scared of your gentle light for what they might reveal...

Aren’t I scared...

A poetic in reply to my dad’s

வங்கத்து பொன்னாடையெல்லாம் வக்கற்ற மண்ணார்க்கணிந்து
தென்னகத்து சங்கமெல்லாம் பெருமித்து சீரழிய
இலக்கணமறியா கவினான் அதனால் தலைக்கனம் எனக்கில்லை
சொல்வேன் - சிங்கமே நீ

சில காலமாய் தமிழ் வேட்டையெல்லாம்
உன் வீட்டு பெண்டிருக்கே விட்டு
கிடைக்கும் புகழில் மட்டும்
பெருமுதல் பங்கு கேட்டபதாலோ

இருந்தும் தந்தையிடம் பயின்ற வித்தன்றோ
அதனால் நரி என்றாலும் நாயினமே
நன்றியுடன் தொந்திகொண்டப்பனாய்
உனக்கே முதர்வணக்கம்


*This was a silly game of words that my dad and I were playing a while ago and he teased me for my poor poetry - I started writing in Tamil because I was inspired by his writing prowess.  This was my comeback to him.  Can't recall what he initially wrote it had me calling a little fox somewhere.  :) I just noticed this in my drafts and thought to share...

குடல் கொடுமை, உருளை வதை!!

மெலிதான உன் தேகத்தை கையிலெடுக்க
உன் உவர்ப்பை என் உதட்டில் ருசிக்க
சிறிதாய் கடித்திட பொறுமையின்றி
                             முழுதாய் விழுங்கிட
தனியாய் அமர்ந்து பார்க்கும் என் பகல் வேலை
                             கார் கால ஏக்கமாய் மாற
குடல் காணும் கனவில் ஆழ்கிறேன்
என் அன்பு உருளை கிழங்கு வத்தலே!!




கறுமுறுவென கடித்த்துண்ண
மேலிதுரு கொண்ட உனைத்தேடி
சுடும் சுகம் கொண்ட பகல் கனவில்
ஆழ்திடச் செய்யும் ஒரு நிலையாய்
கடும் அடம் கொண்டிருக்கும்
என் குடல் செய்யும் இந்தக் கொடுமையில்
                                நான் எல்லை மீற
தொட்டில் இன்றி கட்டில் இன்றி
குழந்தையாய் பிறந்ததாம் - இந்த ஊளச்ச்சதை!

ஆசையா காமமா?

நீ உன் முகமயிற் நீக்கினால்

என் முகம் ஏக்கமாய் வாடியது...

இது பிள்ளை ஆசையா, செல்லக் காமமா?

Oh get lost! But take my love with you!

Oh get lost!
But take my love with you!
when you walk all over me and leave me on the floor
I hate you from my heart, from inside my soul.
All that anger flowing and drowning me foul.
And that's when I lose it and let you go through the door
Oh go to hell!
And there trotts my heart, with a wagging tail...
That's when I decide to drown deeper but with my heart gone...
And the burden of my love for you following you out...
Leaves me so light that I float back right up...
The bouyancy of this ironic life...
And again my zombie mind shouts...

Oh get lost!
And still there goes...my life and love with you...!

விட்டில் பூச்சியின் வாழ்க்கை விளங்கியது...!

Vittil poochiyin vazhkai vilangiyathu...

Muzhu nilavu kandu nan kannagatradu mind ra bodu.

Adan vazhkai enadanadu,

Unai kandu nerungiyathilirundu!

Ennai erikkum oliyum enai eerkkum visaiyum neeyagi poivittai... 

Agony... Sweet!!

My eyelids close, my heartbeat slows . . .
I feel myself in rhythm with the silence around me . . .

It takes me high, stoops me low
I now not where I am, nor where I was ,
                              let alone where I should be
For I know not who I am, nor what!

Deafening silence bellows into my eardrums,
I keep my pace and lower my face
Burying myself into the deepest of crevices I find inside my darkened soul . . .

I see but there's no light and I see that there's no light
For darkened is this tunnel, this tunnel of void . . .

Moving through the fog and mist,
My body growing numb with cold . . .

Cold sweat breaks down my spine
And I find myself abandoned . . .
Naked fear my only wrapping . .

I see your face dawning close to mine
Like beckoning into more of pain
More of agony, sweet!!

And there I groan my last wish
Whisper my last kiss into your sinful lips. . .
                                My illusion . . .!!

And it all fades into more darkness
Irony, there was no light to begin with . . .!!!

An evolution of the dying . . .

There are just too many dead around me for me to care for one loss

There are just too many hurt around me for me to tend to one wound

There are just too many crying around me for me to wipe one tear

There is just too much sorrow for me to sympathize

There is just too much emotion in the around for me to empathise

This is my world

This is my life

And I am a walking corpse

And I look around once to realize I am one in a herd

And I pause and let the crowd go and realize it is not a small herd but a whole population

A civilization of dead

An evolution of the dying

I won't stay around happiness for long . . .

Don't keep me too happy,
'Coz I won't stay long then. . .

A soul that seeks the pleasures of sadness
that seeks the little points of light that leak in the crevices of darkness
I won't stay long around happiness. . .

Blessed with the curse of gloom and melancholy,
The joy of pity and the grace of sorrow,
The pride of shame and suffering insult -
Keep my sparce soul drugged. . .
So I won't stay long around happiness. . .

Thoughts of bitterness and memories of disgust
Keep me alive and remind me of my existence
N I won't stay long around happiness. . .

So don't try my love, to give me the joy of your heart. . .
Don't try my love, to keep me drunk -
drunk on your innocent love's insistance on laughter and sweetness
For I won't stay drunk for long my love...
I won't stick around happiness for long...

Let go of me I tell you,
For all I would do is hurt you
and hurt myself in the process
For I am drugged on sorrow my love

Clinging to the sheer pain of life
I draw you near to my weeping heart
Make you go through all that turmoil
For that is all I can hear in my head in the eternal silence of life

I live in a world of grey
where you are pricked and poked in different levels of pain
just so you would know that you are...

Which is why I tell you

I won't stay long around happiness...
For I am a soul that seeks the infinite bliss of killing one's own soul just so as to say "C you are alive"...!
- the ecstacy of slow death, a privilege of the mortals. . .

Your silken fingers with their roughened skin, gracefully wrap around my Jugular again…

Your knees pressing  hard against my ribcage
Your strong hands suffocating me more with each breath I take

I’m blacking out,
I’m seeing stars,
Losing my senses and fading fast
Present tense a pretense, the darkness of my past, Moving like shadows cast, in the night…

You change your mind, release a bit, the rush of air, disorienting me more,
You relent your grip, I try to get up and trip, face down…
You turn me on my back, run your fingers across my neck, resting your knees on my chest again…

I do not have the strength to be scared, nor the sense to surrender
I take rattling breaths, battling to stay alive, to feel you against me for some more time

Your silken fingers with their roughened skin,  gracefully wrap around my Jugular again…

I snuggle closer to you, you respond with a harder press of your knees on my chest…
I put my shivering hand, cold, around your waist, Your body hot from the exertion…


You place a delicious kiss on my charred lips, dry from the silent exhaution, making me long for more
You lovingly wipe my forehead, my panic sweat, making me yearn for more of that comfort…


I mutter and sputter, you lean in close, to listen to my death wish
I pull you close to me, my last remaining ounce (of energy) exerted, your hot breath on my face,
  moving a strand of stray hair, disheveled by my struggle.


Your grip not strong enough by the distraction now, I take that (the) chance to crane my neck to reach higher
I catch your lips with mine and you grant me my parting gift
And at that moment, in your eyes, I saw my imminent death…


I felt love, in your last strangle at my throat,
Your beautiful face was the last thing inhaled…
While your sensuous, lingering kiss, leveraged me into a final orgasm - Death…

A few lines I wrote when I thought what would I say when I actually meet... May be this, may be not...

When I thought my life had drained out
       When I felt like a saint in an emotional turmoil

When I thought I had lost my last chance
       When I felt like a lost wanderer

I found you...

When I resigned to the fact that I'm alone
       When I had finally settled (for a) into a single skin

When I reserved my romances aside
       When I had decided to give up trying

I found you...

When I thought I'm probably better off on my own
       When I felt like I'm better when left alone

When I wished the world away
       When I drowned my soul in the shadow of my self

I found you...

When I had found the courage to run the road all alone
       When I had got around the idea of me, myself for eternity

When I convinced my heart to confide in none
       When I talked my tears into giving in to gravity (read: not expecting to be caught...)

I found you...

Incomplete - 7

I like the sun on me...
I like the drizzle of the rain on my face...
I like the breeze on my hair...
I like the warm of the fire...

I like the pale of the moon light...
I like the shade of a lonely tree...
I like the chill of the ground i squat on...
I like the still of the sand and earth...

This pure puzzle of a relationship...

Yes, you have got a girl that owns your heart
     and I've got the guy of my life...
But the truth is my friend, we share something special that some tend-
     to think something else, they all misunderstand...

We both know where our hearts lie,
     and so do those who own them...
But the world is spiteful and is bent
     on insisting, damn it, offense...

There is something so pure, so magical and fun...
     There's the mutual respect that you always speak about...
and yes, a bit of a harmless chemistry...
     We are just so comfortable this way...
A little mischief and a twinkling wink...
But no betrayal of our better halves
     Nothing replaces them in our lives...

Yes, we liked each other that way once...
     Yes, there was a connection that I guess still runs...
But things got different and we have come past that stage...
     and so now we can safely flirt and shrug it all away with laughter...

We don't care if the world misunderstands,
    It's all about  our respective partner's stance...
Hope they stay the way they are, clear and cool...
    and let us be what we are, friends, and some fun...

There is nothing wrong, no crossing the line,
    Just play of words and laughing it all off...
There is very little time, with each other, we spend...
    and it is such a pain to constantly fend...

So here's wishing to the stars
    and hoping in our hearts,
Let us be in this pure puzzle of a relationship
    No need to explain, not good when described - which
we both know, is beautiful...
and want the important two in our lives to know... to trust...

Am not leaving u, unless tat's wat u really want...

If tat is wat u really want I'll let u go...babey
But only if tat is wat u really want...

U gotta tell me tat face to face...
I know its difficult but do it, else am not lving u...

there's always the benefit of a doubt u c...
don wan it to be all coz of me...

I don wan this to end... o babey...
I wan it al,l even more, till the end...

so if tat is wat u really want i'll let u go... babey
But only if tat is wat u really wan...

u gotta make me believe that this is all over,
for every time u look into my eyes, I still get bowled over...

u gotta shake me out of this love babey,
for i am falling deeper and deeper into ur gravity...

and tat is y I insist, u gotta tell me tat face to face...
I know its difficult but do it else am not lving u...

I dunno wat went wrong and where ur faith's gone
for i always thought, to each other, we so belong...

I donot understand all this negativity that has come to be
Oh! look at me, we are still the same, one body, the other soul...

Wat has ruined the love we shared, oh trust me, nothing's gone bad...
We can still mend, time on it we can spend...
            please don pretend u don feel our hrts beating together even now, it's telling u not to do this...

but lemme tell u something, unless u tell me tat on my face am not leaving u...
unless tat is wat u really want, and u temme tat face to face
and even in tat case, u know, babey, am not believing u...
so I willl never leave you...  unless tat is wat u really wan...
Don ask me how to prove... Trust me, I wud know if tat was so...

Incomplete - 6

We just don't matter, do we?
Like those tiny little flecks of dust settling on a table...
But no no wait, even they, they would bother someone enough to clean it up...
But WE, we just don matter at all...

We just don't matter, do we?
Like those invisible atomic particles making up the atoms that make every cell of our body to make us...
But no no wait, they matter enough to be what they are and change as they do to let us be us...
But WE, we just don't matter at all...

We just don't matter, do we?
Oh ya we do... To do all your grubby little jobs and clean your desktops...
Oh ya we do...

Why?

Why do I keep doing this... ?
Why do I keep falling for one.... after another....
I cant seem to be able to contain...
There is a wonderful energy...
A sizzling chemistry...
Oh but every time... but every time...

Why do I keep doing this... ?
Why do I keep falling for one.... after another....

They are all so beautiful... Every one...
They are all so charming... Every one of them...
I couldn't stop myself from staring...
I couldn't stop myself from talking...
I couldn't refrain from falling... head over heels...
Oh but every time... but every time...

The truth is I am scared...
the truth is I am scared of hurting them and even hurting myself...
Should I go on, with them or go on... on my own...
Should I go right or left...

I keep looking for support... Snuggling into the warmth...
The warmth of assurances...the sympathy and the empathy...

Why do I keep doing this... ?
Why do I keep falling for one.... after another....




PS:  Let's just say, there was a Mr. Y, another friend, and this poem reflects, his state of mind about a month back...

Like a broken man...

Like a broken man, u r dwelling in ur past...
revelling in wat u were... and hating wat u r…
like an old man showing his foto to his grandchildren n saying "look how young I was"
and the smile tat spreads on his face wen his grandchildren say
"oh grand D, u were so smart"....
tats wat u r doing a role play, ur soul and its twin part...

Like a broken man, dwelling in ur past...
Killing urself softly, hurting urself and suffering the searing pain...
will this take back wat I did, will this make up for my mistakes...
melting hot iron and trying to fill the holes in ur soul...

Like a broken man, dwelling in ur past...
revelling in wat u wer... and hating wat u r…
walking with a hunched back…
unable to bear the ignominious weight of ur sins…
too proud to look into the eyes of others, for if u walk tall and bold u know u wud c the blame
ur alter ego smacking its lips at the taste of the blood u spilt…

Like a broken man, dwelling in ur past,
Trying to lose urself in persecution,
Trying to swallow it all down ur throat…
Struggling to forgive urself,
Yearning for the peace it wud give, if u wer able to…

But Alas, ur conscience is having a ball of a time, having so much to pick at and prick…
And to avopid all this,
U live like a broken man, dwelling in ur past…
Reveling in wat u wer… and hating wat u r…


PS: Wrote it for the Mr.X, a friend I mentioned in Shared sin... To make him realize what he has become so that he changes for the better... I am happy to say it worked, I am so obsessed with myself to say only because of my words, but it did contribute a bit towards his getting better...

Shared Sin

I have sinned... but she did her share too...
I are ashamed and guilty and sulking in self persecution...
well she is too... at least I assume so...

do I have to live anymore... for I have done this to her... the very soul I loved or still love?!
am I worthy of life even now... for I have hurt the very being I wanted to protect all my life...
do I have to live with this self, this cruel soul for I have injured the fragile creature I wanted to own...
for I have made that creature realize that it is just not so... for I have made it see its other side, for it is also a creature like me...

have I got the guts to face it and survive... this gashing bleeding wound I have caused to both of us...?!
have I got the sense to see things clear and move on... have I got enough sanity left within me to appreciate the ones that have stuck around..
am I insane enough to not heed the practicality they suggest I live in...?!

I have sinned... but has she not too???

PS: I wrote it for a friend, from college, who was suffering an unrequited love... But he thinks that she did love him but now is not ready to accept it... I am sorry, friend, I hope I haven't given out more details than you like...

  

Incomplete - 5

as dead as death can ever get,
the lazy day lays wimp...
I struggle to stay alive
in this death of time...

the soulless, lifeless zombie of moments, walk dazed..
and I watch everyone of them,
idling on this dullness, no tune, no rhyme...
my eyes open, not keen on any, but taking it all in...

as dead as death can ever get
the lazy day lays wimp...

Stranger in My Native Land...

Stranger in my native land...
Alien to the society that forms most of my country...
Scared among my own sibblings...
  -  To live and let live...

Am I a native, Am I foreign?


I wear strange clothes...
I speak a different tongue...
I live a different life...
I am completely different

To those people whose sweat mixes in my soil...
To the people that plough on, their lives on it...
To the people that float on its floods...
To the people that survive its drought...
To the people that starve in its famine...
To the people that struggle to be...
To the people that are - my country...


I am kind if I give them a seat...
I am generous if I share my food with them...
I am down to earth if I exchange niceties...
I am envied for what I am...

                       A foreigner in my own land...

I am pretty if I don't share their skin tone...
I am progressive if I defy their traditions...
I am independent if I am selfish about my dreams,
          which I build on their support and exclude any credit to them...
I am looked up to - if I am foreign...

I am  frightened to mingle with them...
I depise this struggle for life...
I pity their state of affairs...
I am disgusted at their very standard of life...
But Oh!, I am gentle when I "tolerate" it all for a while...



I pride in rattling along in their compartment
I find adventure in brushing shoulders with people like that....

Yes I am a national... But yes, I am foreign...

உன்னுடன் தோள்கள் உறசி உரையாடுவதில் பெருமை கொள்கிறேன்...
                                                  நான் எவ்வளவு பாகுபாடின்றி பழகுகிறேன்...
என் போல் ஒரு நிலையுள்ளவள் உன்னுடன் பழகுவதில்
                                    நீ வெகுளியாய் பெருமையில் புன்னைகைக்கிறாய்...
அந்தப் புன்னகை எனக்கு உண்மை உணர்த்தியது, நீ என் மண்ணின் மைந்தன்...
நான் வேற்று மண்ணிற்க்கு அடிமை...!!!
இதுவே இன்று எந்நாட்டின் இளைஞர் நிலை...


PS: Wrote it when returning to Bangalore from Hubli after a friend's wedding, on a Fast Passenger shuttle train between the two, courtesy a very thoughtful friend of mine.

There were throngs of people on the Reservation compartments (too!) that traveled clinging to each other and finding seats wherever possible for their two hour ride to a near by town.  The TTR, conveniently for them, checks performs his duty only after their station.  When asked about this, they said that they had tried all means from peaceful (bureaucratic) application processes to rallies and rages.  Nothing worked.  We did not get a chance to ask the TTR about this.  We concluded through "intelligent" discussions among the "literate" reservation passengers that it was probably not as simple as adding a couple more of 'unreserved' compartments, for may be after that station there might not be many 'unreserved' passengers taking the train.  Well, we were quite scared for our belongings and in one of those local stations when we could hear scuffles and a mob of people trying to solve some issue between a couple of guys, we were scared for our own safety too.  And then, naturally, one of us said, "enjoy the adventure, it's ok, when will we get to do something like this again"... The thrill of it gave me a jolt to reality... *SIGH*