ஆசையா காமமா?

நீ உன் முகமயிற் நீக்கினால்

என் முகம் ஏக்கமாய் வாடியது...

இது பிள்ளை ஆசையா, செல்லக் காமமா?

Oh get lost! But take my love with you!

Oh get lost!
But take my love with you!
when you walk all over me and leave me on the floor
I hate you from my heart, from inside my soul.
All that anger flowing and drowning me foul.
And that's when I lose it and let you go through the door
Oh go to hell!
And there trotts my heart, with a wagging tail...
That's when I decide to drown deeper but with my heart gone...
And the burden of my love for you following you out...
Leaves me so light that I float back right up...
The bouyancy of this ironic life...
And again my zombie mind shouts...

Oh get lost!
And still there goes...my life and love with you...!

விட்டில் பூச்சியின் வாழ்க்கை விளங்கியது...!

Vittil poochiyin vazhkai vilangiyathu...

Muzhu nilavu kandu nan kannagatradu mind ra bodu.

Adan vazhkai enadanadu,

Unai kandu nerungiyathilirundu!

Ennai erikkum oliyum enai eerkkum visaiyum neeyagi poivittai... 

Punishment

I wanted the punishment.  I was upset about the punishment and wondered what it wud be like going through it but I was even more upset about having lost the precious little thing.  And it was not the first time I had lost similarly nor the punishment period.  Which invigorated me even more.  This time it has to be the final time.  So the punishment had to be equally severe and long so I will remember it enough to not lose again.

He was even more sad.  That I was punishing myself and he needs to just stand by and watch or even assist in the punishment by not letting me out of it.  I had begged and cried that he wud just stand by mute and watching while I go through it.

He was restless.  Every once in a while he wud try to bring up the conversation about 'enough' and try to slip me a relief. Sometimes he wud tempt me with one and test me.  After almost relishing the relief I wud quietly slip back into my resolve and go back to what I felt I needed.  May be for just some more time I wud tell myself when I really get tempted by his offers.

Then the day and the opportunity came... He had had enough.  He wanted me to shed my celibacy and have some fun.  He knew I liked what I was restraining myself from.  Once I forgot, got carried away with distraction and lost it.  Ok many times... So what life is short.  Yes he was angry too the last time.  After all it was quite something that I had lost.  But how long this state of isolation?

So when he got the replacements, it was surplus and he had a good reason to not carry it around with him now as he used to.  So he preferred the other and forced me to take this.  This time it was easier for him to convince me.  May be I was weak.  May be I had had enough.  May be it looked too beautiful to resist.  And the promise it had even as I gazed at it.

I knew this time I wud be more careful.  May be I wud guard it too much.  

So hesitantly I put on this white and new design of a earphones that he gave me.  Took a deep breath and pressed clicked on play without going to the music app.  I js wanted to feel the rush of whatever it played... After all it was after so long...

Rahman's one of the most simple and beautiful composition played through --- maanooththu mandaiyila maangutti petha maiyile --- it filled me up... as the song filled my heart through my ears!!!

The wonderful voice and almost acting modulation sand emote of SPB brought a smile and I did not care that I was in the bus.

It was worth it! And thank you Suresh for tempting me to take it.  It was worth the sinful way my heart rejoiced in the song!!! 

P.S.  I couldn't help the exaggeration. :P Been long since took to the pen so forgive me... ;)

Hard Love...

Love is a lot of hard work made to look easy... with a smile or a touch or a word or a thought be it real or imagined! 

தவறு செய்யத்தூண்டும்

மறுமுறை தவறு செய்யத்தூண்டும் உன் மன்னிப்பு முத்தங்கள்...

Hers. . .

She always felt like she has known her for a long time. . . There was something about the look in her daughter's eyes like she knew her mother too well for her age or time would have permitted her to know.  The serene smile, yet, so innocent as it was worn on the little face. . .

The skin so soft.  The soft silky brown hair undecidedly folding into curls at the ends.  The little hands and feet.  The milky fragrance of her little body.  Even when the baby cried relentlessly in the nights during their initial days together, she did not get irritated. If she was tired, the minute she lifted her daughter, she was grateful for the warmth and comfort the little body offered her.  Her daughter was the most beautiful thing she had ever looked at, ever held. 

The little crinkles near the beautiful brown eyes. . . And those eyes.  That sometimes, soothed her... Sometimes disturbed her. . . It was colour she knew only too well.  She had not thought about it clearly for a long time though it used to nag her mildly, constantly. Every time she looked at her beloved child, she would invariably get hooked to the eyes.

Then it came to her one day. When she was going through her school photographs.  But it couldn't be.  It may not really be for it was not distinctly that shade of dark brown.  It was like a somehow more feminine version of the same eyes.  But it could just not be.

Everytime she thought about it, she became uncomfortable.  For her general wondering grew into a disturbing curiosity.  Then it drew her imaginative mind's interest far more deeply.  And before she could stop herself, she even started hoping that it was true. . . That is when she had to stop herself.  She did not want to disturb her calm, peaceful, in fact beautiful but a little lonely life.  Stop.  What was she thinking.  This is why she had to stop.  She wasn't Lonely.  She had her daughter.  This is what she had chosen.

She had the perfect life, she told herself.  An independent and interesting career.  A cozy little house for herself.  She is making enough money to support herself and her beautiful little daughter and still saving for her only daughter's future. . .

She did not have an unhappy committment - nothing that would affect her comfortable existence.  Her daughter was her world.  Her family had not spoken one word to her after her decision and she was not too worried.  Time heals everything.  She has supported her baby all alone for 2 years now. . . She was sure she can do it all her life. . .

She had her best friend to support her at hard times... No. . . No, she would do even without him.  Or would she?  Please, no not again. . .  Those eyes.  They always set her thoughts going like this which is why she was always wary of them though she loved them, especially for their familiarity for she could quietly build an imagination too good to be true. . . Wait... What is this. . . Stop. . .

She looked at her baby sleeping - the angel, the saviour, the joy. . . She soothed herself that it could not be so...  She was fine. . . Everything around her was fine. . .  And then the door bell rang.  It was time for his visit. . .  She loved to see the adorable smile that spread on her daughter's face every time she saw him. . . Much like her own happy heart at the wonderful company. . .   But she feared the day when she would ask about her father and the day she may even mistake him for, if only it were true. . . Stop. . .

She shook her thoughts away to go back to her life, the way it was. . . Happy but a little lonely. . . She had to admit. . . Except for these visits. . . She might very well admit it to herself. . . Herself alone. . . 

Agony... Sweet!!

My eyelids close, my heartbeat slows . . .
I feel myself in rhythm with the silence around me . . .

It takes me high, stoops me low
I now not where I am, nor where I was ,
                              let alone where I should be
For I know not who I am, nor what!

Deafening silence bellows into my eardrums,
I keep my pace and lower my face
Burying myself into the deepest of crevices I find inside my darkened soul . . .

I see but there's no light and I see that there's no light
For darkened is this tunnel, this tunnel of void . . .

Moving through the fog and mist,
My body growing numb with cold . . .

Cold sweat breaks down my spine
And I find myself abandoned . . .
Naked fear my only wrapping . .

I see your face dawning close to mine
Like beckoning into more of pain
More of agony, sweet!!

And there I groan my last wish
Whisper my last kiss into your sinful lips. . .
                                My illusion . . .!!

And it all fades into more darkness
Irony, there was no light to begin with . . .!!!

I won't stay around happiness for long . . .

Don't keep me too happy,
'Coz I won't stay long then. . .

A soul that seeks the pleasures of sadness
that seeks the little points of light that leak in the crevices of darkness
I won't stay long around happiness. . .

Blessed with the curse of gloom and melancholy,
The joy of pity and the grace of sorrow,
The pride of shame and suffering insult -
Keep my sparce soul drugged. . .
So I won't stay long around happiness. . .

Thoughts of bitterness and memories of disgust
Keep me alive and remind me of my existence
N I won't stay long around happiness. . .

So don't try my love, to give me the joy of your heart. . .
Don't try my love, to keep me drunk -
drunk on your innocent love's insistance on laughter and sweetness
For I won't stay drunk for long my love...
I won't stick around happiness for long...

Let go of me I tell you,
For all I would do is hurt you
and hurt myself in the process
For I am drugged on sorrow my love

Clinging to the sheer pain of life
I draw you near to my weeping heart
Make you go through all that turmoil
For that is all I can hear in my head in the eternal silence of life

I live in a world of grey
where you are pricked and poked in different levels of pain
just so you would know that you are...

Which is why I tell you

I won't stay long around happiness...
For I am a soul that seeks the infinite bliss of killing one's own soul just so as to say "C you are alive"...!
- the ecstacy of slow death, a privilege of the mortals. . .

Theirs. . .

It was her.  He picked the ringing fone softly flashing her name to her fav song.  Her voice melodious as always, tugged at the depth of his heart. He could hear the excitement - of a secret about to be shared - in her voice, as she invited him to their fav meeting spot to tell him about something important, "for a special surprise" as she put it.  His eyes were softening at the sound of her voice, but also had the pain they always bore, whenever he heard her.  He smiled, so she could hear it in his voice and said he'll be there, for after all, he had been expecting this call.  He went about his day of work, without any visible distraction, but a neat undercurrent of memories, wishes, hopes, disappointments, love, misery.

He was there, 15 mins ahead in time and stood at the shore and let the lapping waves soothe his tired body while his heart raced.  But he exuded calm and cool, as always.  He sensed her and turned, she walked to the spot beside him and stood enjoying the soothing waves and the beautiful scenery, emanating soft beauty, as always.  The beach was mostly deserted at this late twilight hour.  They walked to their fav bench, she entwined her hand through his elbow on the way and he responded with a reassuring smile.

As they sat at the bench, she took his hand in hers and smiled, eyes widened, he understood her question and pretended a "no guesses" shrug of his shoulders but with enough enthusiasm to egg her on.  She placed his palm on her abdomen and he heard the faint but racing pulse as his own rose to match.  He searched her eyes and she replied with her twinkle eyed smile, cracking a dimple at one cheek.  He fell in love, all over again, as always.

"I did it", she said, almost trembling with passionate enthusiasm, "Artificial Insemination, State sperm Bank, they did not reveal the donor, not even to me, rules, and am only glad.  Called mom and dad and gave them the news.  They cut, not just the call."  He could see her swallowing the bitterness and disappointment gracefully and bring back her charming smile.  He wanted to engulf her in a hug.  "It's ok", she said as his care and worry for her showed in his eyes, "this heartbeat cures more than I imagined it would", she looked at her abdomen fondly.

He did not take his hand off her pulsing abdomen till they parted for the evening.  He dropped her at her door, a cozy little house where she lived alone, refused her offer to go inside with a whispered goodnight kiss on her forehead which she returned with a warm bear hug.

He left after she walked in and waved a good bye from inside the chain locked door.  He reached home, called up the doctors, the sperm bank and his confidente, the friend who pulled the strings.  Thanked them all  for her safety and for keeping his identity a secret, as a tear drop streaked his one cheek.

Your silken fingers with their roughened skin, gracefully wrap around my Jugular again…

Your knees pressing  hard against my ribcage
Your strong hands suffocating me more with each breath I take

I’m blacking out,
I’m seeing stars,
Losing my senses and fading fast
Present tense a pretense, the darkness of my past, Moving like shadows cast, in the night…

You change your mind, release a bit, the rush of air, disorienting me more,
You relent your grip, I try to get up and trip, face down…
You turn me on my back, run your fingers across my neck, resting your knees on my chest again…

I do not have the strength to be scared, nor the sense to surrender
I take rattling breaths, battling to stay alive, to feel you against me for some more time

Your silken fingers with their roughened skin,  gracefully wrap around my Jugular again…

I snuggle closer to you, you respond with a harder press of your knees on my chest…
I put my shivering hand, cold, around your waist, Your body hot from the exertion…


You place a delicious kiss on my charred lips, dry from the silent exhaution, making me long for more
You lovingly wipe my forehead, my panic sweat, making me yearn for more of that comfort…


I mutter and sputter, you lean in close, to listen to my death wish
I pull you close to me, my last remaining ounce (of energy) exerted, your hot breath on my face,
  moving a strand of stray hair, disheveled by my struggle.


Your grip not strong enough by the distraction now, I take that (the) chance to crane my neck to reach higher
I catch your lips with mine and you grant me my parting gift
And at that moment, in your eyes, I saw my imminent death…


I felt love, in your last strangle at my throat,
Your beautiful face was the last thing inhaled…
While your sensuous, lingering kiss, leveraged me into a final orgasm - Death…

Incomplete - 3

On my bed,
I lay awake at night, listening to the music of falling rain,
     looking out at the beautiful view stretching before me and feeling the chilling wind...
Thinking about the things that could be, if I were there near you...
    The smile that spreads on my lips, the blush that flows to my cheeks...
The tenderness in me, unknown before, comes out to show me the woman I am
    The thoughts that give me the rush, it is you that my heart seeks...


The rough and tough, that tomboy is mellowing and mushing... O' look at what I am...
                      Never have I known I could be so...
                            Not seen ever the layer below...
                                      Hidden to my own soul it was...
                                                     Aroused by the simple thought of you...
Delicate was never me...
    Gentle unheard of before...
        Feminine afar me...
            Emotions always set ashore...


The tingling that runs from head to toe...
             The inkling of a woman yet to show...


I bite my lips and stop my smile
               for I am a fool in love with love...
The songs of love and romance and dreams are by heart to me..............................................

Another incomplete piece I wrote, around the time I wrote the previous 2 entries...

Incomplete - 2

தனக்குள் சிரித்துக்கொண்டு, உதட்டைக்  கடித்துக்கொண்டு
         உலகமரியாது உணர்ச்சிகளை மறைத்துக்கொள்கிறேன்...

கொட்டும் மழையோசை... குளிரும் இளங்காற்று
         நான் மட்டும் அவ்வறையில்... புன்னகையுடன்...

காதலனை நினைத்து மகிழும் காவியங்கள் உண்டேனிலே
         காதலை காதலிப்போர்க்கு ஒன்று..........?!


Again somthing that I wrote long back...

N yet again a transliteration... atb sav and similar ones... ;P

Thanakkul siriththukkondu, udattaik kadiththuk kondu,
        ulagamariyadu unarchigalai maraiththuk kolgiren...

Kottum mazhaiyosai... kulirum ilangaatru...
       nan mattum avvaraiyil... punnagaiyudan...

Kadalanai ninaiththu magizhum kaaviyangal undenile
       kadalai kadalipporkku ondru.....?

Incomplete - 1

தன்னில் உருகும் தனிமையில் உருகும்
     இந்தப் பெண்ணின் மனமும் ஒரு பண்ணில் உருகும்
தனக்கென துணையொன்று வரும் தருணத்தை நோக்கி
      கண்ணில் கனவின் கனம் கண்ணீர்ப்பெருக்கும்
விண்ணில் நிலவும் மண்ணில் விழும் மழையும்
     என் என்னை நனைக்கும் பல எண்ணங்கள் கொடுக்கும் 

Just giving a try on my tamil blogging... This is something I wrote long back n that too incomplete... Hoping to blog more in tamil... Wish me luck... ;P

Hey sav, u had asked me to transliterate and thought ya so many of my tamil poem fans (lol!!) who do not know to read tamil script, will actually be benefited... ;P

Well, here goes:  All thebest...;P

Thannil urugum thanimayil urugum,
     Indap pennin  manamum oru pannil urugum...
Thanakkena thunaiyondru varum tharunaththai nuokki,
     kannil kanavin ganam, kanneerp perukkum...
Vinnil nilavum mannil vizhum mazhayum
    en ennai nanaikkum, pala ennangal kodukkum...