Musings on FANDOM and the much expected journey...

My recent visit to Hobbiton- the icing on the cake of the little visits to LOTR book and movie places of NZ- prompted some thoughts... 

Hobbiton is obviously a "the destination" once in NZ if one is an LOTR fan.

And so it was, for us too.  LOTR was introduced to me by my brother when I was 15 when a bunch of us went to watch the movie "Fellowship of the Ring".  Of course I fell in love with Aragorn (and Viggo Mortensen) and he was the definition of "the man of my life" for my 15 year old self (and I fought over him with two other cousins of my age at the time).  I did not like Viggo Mortensen as anything outside of the role/looks of Aragorn, not even as himself when I googled him. :( oh and Gollum! I used to (still do sometimes) imitate/enact Gollum.  When Suresh gifted me the One Ring, I surprised and even spooked him with a "my precious... Gollum gollum" in Gollum vocals... :D a quite plump Gollum that made me though, he he!

The book is a different story for me... The first time I tried reading it was a #fail; not being able to go past the first 100 pages! This was back in 2007 and I was still in university.

I read it again much later, probably in the heights of joblessness of 2008 June - Sept break.

Having always been a fantasy fan, it was no surprise that I liked LOTR.  But I was not a fan in the traditional sense.  I never was - for anything - for that matter. 

I realised it when discussing Harry Potter books - which I read over and over again - with a dear friend (Lakshmi Ponnuswamy) and realised what a "fan" means.  I decided I would never be a "fan" of anything in that traditional sense where you remember and recall every minutiae of a book/movie.

But that is not to say I can't remember the events, characters and details quite well.  I just don't bother to remember them all and do not think it a sin if I forget something.

Fantasy and especially such a detailed and multi-layered epic such as the LOTR family of books, holds a very special place in my heart.  I too have had, no less than Elven dreams, trying to speak the tongues, (of course also trying to invent my own) when I was still smitten with the first read.

Visiting the WETA, (the studio that created many favourites such as LOTR, Avatar, District 9), the statues of the Kings, Gollum and Smog at WELLINGTON Airport.
Visiting some of the places where various scenes from The Hobbit were shot were quite an experience in that it would probably take another post to, if not for each spot. Oh and Avatar!  Can't wait for sequel(s)...!

Coming back to my experience in and at Hobbiton, it reminded me of..... how I was not a FAN. So many fans were feeling special just by being in the place that created Hobbiton for everyone, almost as well as how JRR would have wanted it envisioned.  For me though... it made me feel sad. 

Let me explain here, it is one thing to look at Mount Doom up close or go to the WETA studio and look at the gear or the graphic aids used, to look at the life size replica of your favourite characters.  It brings just JOY.  

But HOBBITON is just different (Atleast for me).  It's this perfect, peaceful and beautiful place, filled with happy people.  It's not hard to imagine but the movie did good by expanding on that dream with wonderful details and capturing the essence of it all.  And to go to the actual place to see where they brought it to life is a memory I will cherish, an experience I will remember. 

But that being said, here I was, looking at Bag End with no backend!!
Nothing except the door and the frame really.  That sort of killed me.  I could, in that moment, empathise with those kids that go through their "Santa is your mom" moment.  It was this bunch of highly skilled people working in a dedicated team effort and mounds of creativity, imagination; and I am sure immense FANDOM, that created this absolutely brilliant place that was only in the imagination of all those LOTR Fans and JRR's epic words till then.

And there, for me, was hard physical evidence of the fact that it was all NOT REAL.  It was NOT TRUE.   Of course I knew it all before.  But in that moment to actually see it all as a SET and be explained the details of how they painstakingly put together the magnificent piece of work-art, was this feeling of sadness that dampened and dripped on the feathers of the wings of joy and made it just float half heartedly instead of soar into the sky.

On the one hand, I was there, with one part of me being excited about being here at HOBBITON!  And the other half of me quietly withdrawing within myself into a deep corner with accusing teenager eyes. 

So instead of writing a piece of review on TripAdvisor - I am sure there are gazillion reviews already so one less is not going to affect people's decision if they already are looking for "reviews" to decide to go to Hobbiton - here I am lamenting a slight fraying in my dream fabric.  A must see if you are strong (fan) hearted unlike me.

Oh get lost! But take my love with you!

Oh get lost!
But take my love with you!
when you walk all over me and leave me on the floor
I hate you from my heart, from inside my soul.
All that anger flowing and drowning me foul.
And that's when I lose it and let you go through the door
Oh go to hell!
And there trotts my heart, with a wagging tail...
That's when I decide to drown deeper but with my heart gone...
And the burden of my love for you following you out...
Leaves me so light that I float back right up...
The bouyancy of this ironic life...
And again my zombie mind shouts...

Oh get lost!
And still there goes...my life and love with you...!

Just some thoughts

Sometimes we won't understand if someone spoke to us this way because there are a myriad of other things in play when we speak to one another such as our facial expressions, tones, body language etc., that only add fuel to fire or makes things go on an unnecessary and/or damaging tangent.

When written down there is only our own assumptions of tone so we can pause to think about if they truly meant it that way! 

So I hope everyone reading this takes a minute to review themselves and also pause before they think or speak next time.

People are so often so full of judgement and prejudices but do not pause to even consider the possibility of being so.

Sometimes they are so naive about it that it baffles the hell out of me as to how they can assume such things and be unaware of the fact that they are only "assuming" and it is not the truth.

Other times they are so adamant or arrogant about it or at the very least confident about their assumed facts that I am left amused and angry at the same time.

Get out of your heads people and pause before you speak or act!! Really!!

The other thing I find annoying is the fact that people can't let their younger ones make their own mistakes and learn.

They must "correct/help" them... But please! The best parent is the one that stays around, watches you make mistakes & learn from those but doesn't say "I told you so"!

The one that gives a pat on the back and says I learnt it the hard way too, you are only so much stronger for it now! 

Of course it all comes down to individuals but most mature young ones expect this treatment and the more you treat them this way from earlier on, the more they learn to be on their own and evolve to learn from their mistakes, isn't it?

Young people need others to have faith and confidence in them!  Give them that and they will be thankful to you for it forever.

I am learning of such mistakes I made myself too - of assumptions, judgement and handholding - that I did to a lot of people that had the misfortune of being "under" me or "younger" than me, and I just want to say sorry for being an ASS :)

Personally I don't like India! But you could visit...

I am not sure why we are this way, but I see a lot if this around me in this country.  May be this is prevalent across the world but I don't know about that.  I wouldn't since I have travelled nowhere outside of my country.  Not even out to many other states within India let alone go out of the country.  But that being said I have, yes, have seen this complex.  A sort of superiority inbred inferiority complex.  Or may be the other way around?! We go around bitching about the country even though we live here, earn our money and not just survive but live here.  Some of us who do this may have travelled outside of the country, may have lived there a few years but that doesn't warrant this sort of bitching about the country to foreign nationals in the name of being friendly!!! Why do we do this?! I don't know.  It's alright when we do it among ourselves but not to outsiders.  Or is it? Is it alright, this basic thought, this shame of belonging to or living in this nation?  

I do not believe in taking pride in just the ancient history and keep talking about it all the time to all visitors.  Atleast not anymore.  But that doesn't mean you say this is one of the worst places to live in.  

It is a basic right or rather a responsibility to feel proud of the good things in ones country.  Note 'the good things'.   Why not? 

I have a few around me who travel frequently, extensively and/or regularly to different parts of the world and from all that I have read/heard I know that we are bad in some things but also good in some.  As always with any place isn't it? 

But I do think it should be ingrained in us to not bitch about the country to others let alone feel proud and share it.  It should be one of the morals taught at home along with 'stealing is wrong' or something as basic as that.  

I am not saying that we should not involve in intelligent discussion (or even as someone put it armchair debates) but please have a basic sense of patriotism or atleast hospitality.  Yes hospitality, for hospitality is not just making the guest comfortable but also feeling a sense of accountability/responsibility and/or pride towards ones place wherein the hospitality is offered.

I wish I had the guts and enough knowledge to make a sane conversation and make this co passenger in my train understand that your fake accent and half baked command over the language and the conformity that you seek by making yourself an outsider from all the bad things in your country is only going to make you be valued at much less and your country even worse (or may be the other way around) than if you behaved a good host and not bitch about your country unnecessarily even when the guest  insisted your place was good.  Or better keep quiet.  I have this strong urge or impulse to show this script to this co passenger but being a young woman traveling alone in train I do not want to risk my safety.  Yes I know this is probably making me a coward and may be even as bad as what I just wrote about but could I help it? Probably not! Time will tell.  If I act on this impulse will update this blog.

Being friendly and personally showing off (supposedly) as an outsider is an INGNOMINY and NOT a thing of pride!!! 

#DelhiGangRape

This question was haunting me the whole time I was following the news about the Delhi Gangrape Victim's condition but I never really came across an answer untill just now.

Why were her intestines removed? What could have led her to such huge amounts of infection?  I found the first clue when I read the iron rods used in the brutality is suspected to have caused the infection.  

But it did not answer how internal injuries/infection could have been caused by this - may be cuts and scratches came in contact.  Still how the intestines in particular? It did not add up.

And I was not surprised and nor should you be when I say I did not really imagine the answer though when I found it, it was obvious.  Of course!  But also, of course I did not imagine the answer!!! For it was the unthinkable!  Not even my lady-colleague who I called to show the article had imagined the answer.

I am not sure if this is being dumb or naive or what but that is probably how most of us felt - because this is unthinkable!

I found the answer here:

http://health.india.com/diseases-conditions/delhi-rape-case-why-such-brutality/

"Picture this – A 23-year-old girl with dreams of a great future shifts to Delhi from her hometown for further studies. She’s travelling in a bus with a friend when four men assault the duo with an iron rod and proceed to rape the girl with such unspeakable brutality that would make you shudder.

The girl is now in such a ‘critical’ condition that she needs a ventilator to breathe. The men not only raped her repeatedly but also beat her with a blunt object and shoved it into her vagina leading to multiple injuries all over.

Dr B. D. Athani, medical superintendent at the Safdarjung Hospital in Delhi said ‘She has sustained serious abdominal and genital injuries. It seems she was repeatedly hit with a blunt object on her abdomen or an object was shoved into her private parts. She has several injury marks on her body but the injury to the intestines has created a life-threatening condition. The girl has been operated on and large portions of her intestines were removed. She has lost a lot of blood but has regained consciousness."

I don't care about the fact that I am at office and I am welling up but now I fully comprehend the meaning of the description/compliment/admiration - A very brave girl - that is being rained on the victim.  

Even without the knowledge of the "how" the girl's intestines were damaged I already understood when they called her brave.

But this, this is enormous!!! I Salute her and I sincerely hope no one else gets is put in a spot as this which would require them to be so "brave".

And then, when not knowing the whole of the gory details I was already chanting - 'castration and may be even let to bleed to death' ----- not just for these bastards but for that matter any of the species roaming this planet violating from little children to adult women (sometimes even Men).  And now, knowing what I do..... 'death by castration' - fully justified...

Why be kind to the beasts by doing it chemically which is not only painless but also temporary?!

And how naive had I been when I thought I saw shame, guilt, fear, embarrassment in the eyes of a couple of guys who happened to unknowingly stand too close to me in a busy bus stop and I turned - with all that fear and vigilance of a woman on her own at a bus stop "as late as" 8.30 PM - to stare at them and 'shoo them away'.

That was a day after the #DelhiGangRape news-rage and I thought, 'this protest and coverage is probably reaching people'.  

But it is not about this message reaching the already educated and gentle men having enough humility to feel sorry and ashamed for what some of their gender did (are still doing in many parts).

This is about it reaching those who are not in a position to understand what is going and what it could all mean - may be under the influence of drugs - or without education or brought up that would have taught them, women are no lesser than themselves and they are in fact inferior if they thought they could wield "power" by committing any degree of violation of a woman.

Can we really teach them? May be not, may be only fear of the law and consequences would keep them at bay - which at this moment is apparently too frail to lift a finger, too slow to catch the bastards or too blind to see the harsh reality when there is no "sufficient evidence".

But how do we make sure we do not have more and more of this in future?
Catch them young! Reach out to the schools - no not just to the girls in the school to tell them how to be vigilant and safe - but to the boys in various schools from govt institutions to international ones - talk to the young ones and teach them to respect the girls as their equals and not take advantage of the others' (usually) relative frailty.

More importantly let us not make the mistake of even jokingly show our own sons and daughters any partiality/inequality that would be the first seed in their hearts that would grow into the tree of unintended but culturally imbibed/inherited dominance and chauvinism.   

Let us not become the grandmothers/fathers who used to wait to offer the one chocolate left, to the beloved grandson and hide it from the granddaughter sitting right there.

And I was avoiding writing on this for so long because I know this might not really contribute towards the change but the article I mentioned above just broke my restraint. 

I am atleast voicing my opinion and I hope it reaches atleast a couple of people and propagates through the infinite and all pervading social network towards "Action" somewhere, may be even in the smallest of small ways.

I wish I could physically join the protesters at India Gate and was not aware of the protests that happened here in bangalore when it did. And I am sorry I did not.

And it was not too long ago when I was sharing my opinion - India would probably never come together in a grand scale for anything - when I was discussing the situation in Egypt.

Today it has, and I am proud of my fellow countrymen/women making the government stagger back a few steps and pause and think before they spoke a jumble of stupid consolation that they would otherwise throw at all too knowing population - that which knew the list of diplomatic government responses byheart and did not care to see which one was being used at that instance.

I hope that we do not stop at this protest and that we followup untill solid action is taken - in terms of amended bills, safer roads, more equal and educated society; in the reality of seeing these and other such bastards castrated/hung for their unspeakable crimes.

For this and other victims of such brutalities, the survivors and the eternally struggling... Support and salutes, good thoughts and prayers!

P.S: I wrote this last morning and now the victim is even more critical than she was then.  And there has probably more of this inhumane act occured around the world.  

I am not sure this piece is all coherent nor enough to have a title that would make it look nice.  This is just my shame, outrage and anger.

The more I think about the fact that I am unable to do anything about this and am comfortably going on with my routine - with only a conscience to quieten, no doubt with the help of the villainous cynic labelled 'the practical' of the two that live inside my all too accommodating/adjusting Indian mind - the more I am agitated about what has happened to the once hot blooded young feminist fighting in every little chance I used to get for the "little" rights and freedom of women!  Oh of course! I grew up... grew old more like...

What would happen if I (read: a woman with Social Responsibilities) abandoned it all and went in search of enlightenment at 25 (if I get stupid enough to do that?!)...!?

Back in secondary school at KV - Syllabus A, we had a poem called Yashodhara ka Vilaap (forgive any speling mistakes) - about which I remember the feeling expressed than any of the lines.

It was a beautiful poetry about this character called Yashodara who is none othr than Buddha's very own wife queen; about her sorrow that her beloved left her and their only son in search of "enlightenment". 

It was a poem that touched me deeply.  I couldn't find it onilne right now (though I would like that very much), else I would share here.

So just imagine a rich king, abandons his wife and young child, goes off in the search of some peace or knowledge or God, however one may interpret - all vey noble and grea on his part but what about his wife and child. 

In the case of Rama, he abandons his wife (and unborn child(ren) as it turns out), for keeping with the thoughts of his people and upholding so called "King's duties to his people".

Now let us pause and see what is expected of these women or rather what do they end up doing? Worship their beloved husbands; Not giving in to their personal feelings and respecting them still.  And th worst part is - these apparently, not out of any compulsion...

They may be big hearted, but I am not.  I do not think the same would have happened if the roles were reversed...

Thes husbands  respecting their wives, understanding the causes that led them to act like that if they did much less worship them...!? Nien!  I do not know what is root cause - society, chauvenism, inert human nature... Whatever it may be, I do not know nor want to get into those...

Well, am I happy to be in this century of modern household and understanding and Gamma men...?!  Yeah Baby, definitely. :) 

I know even now they would not really apprecate if I left my house/family/"responsibilities" and went in search of "enlightenment" but atleast they are adjusting enough and understanding enough when need arises for an onsite... :)

Letter to the Bastards.....

You sickening bastards,

What the fcuk do you guys get from that?  It totally slips me...

I do not understand the joy of a fleeting second of your hand/body touching/hitting skin/dress?

Why cannot we enjoy a moment of let down guard?  Why should we be vigilant all the time?  Why is it our fault if we walk down a road enjoying the scenary instead of watching out for the sicko in every person we walk past. . .

Nobody is going to bother if you go to your fcuking corners at your homes and do sick things imagining random people you see on the road...  Atleast we wouldn't know. . .

Do you even know how humiliating it is, those few seconds/minutes?  Well, do you even care. .

There is almost no girl that does not have a flashback of having been abused.  Beginning right from childhood...  I really don't want to start on child abusers.  There would be no end, the sickest of you all. . .

And all those educated bastards... These are the decent ones - with their friends and aquaintances - but walk to the Pubs/Coffee Bars/Dance Floors or any place that has crowd/drink/smoke/dance/music - where women would want to let the hair down - and start showing their ugly side just because women are "out and bold enough to have our share of fun" . . .  They have the face to even say that to their friends -"well what are such places for... After all the women come there to have their drinks!"

Just because a woman drinks or goes out with her friends doesn't make her "easy"...

The things you do in public, range from flashing to brushing past to shagging to groping and pinching... What sickening joy?!!!!

Well, get this, I know it probably doesn't hit you at all, but in the weakest of your moments, where your inflated egos and disguised insecurities are exposed, remember this!  You are the most despised, hated beings that could ever live on earth. . .

An evolution of the dying . . .

There are just too many dead around me for me to care for one loss

There are just too many hurt around me for me to tend to one wound

There are just too many crying around me for me to wipe one tear

There is just too much sorrow for me to sympathize

There is just too much emotion in the around for me to empathise

This is my world

This is my life

And I am a walking corpse

And I look around once to realize I am one in a herd

And I pause and let the crowd go and realize it is not a small herd but a whole population

A civilization of dead

An evolution of the dying

Whack!!

Heart is a pros***ute and the mind is the pimp!

Writing is like love, you can't decide to write even if you feel like you want to... It has to happen!

People lie because they're scared, either of telling "you" the truth or of the "truth itself"!

Damn these Tubelights...!

I have found the answer to a question I have had for along time now.  Why do I, feel sleepy/glazed/dazed/go into a stupor/(as more spiritual folk would call it) go into a transcendental meditative state/(with more pride) go into a reverie every time I am a part of an audience listening to someone teach/take a seminar/lecture???

I found the answer to this today in one of those "I will speak inside my mouth-you try to deduce", "reading-it-from-a-power point presentation", drone sessions (effort appreciated - no offense), while I was slowly and dutifully losing consciousness, time traveling into a stupor-reverie-daydream - that my mind promptly deletes from it's neuron data stack the minute it hits a reality flag on (checked when the drone makes eye contact) - only to briefly nod in feigned understanding, while I had absolutely no idea as to what the drone had been saying till then.

As soon as the Drone turns to another con - most likely - or the "attention-seeker" (one to be found for sure in any and every herd of cattle waiting for their turn at the drone guillotine that refuses to kill but just slowly increases pressure and attacks at your brain) or to that one sincere-savior, my mind jumps into another of those blissful-subconscious state.

Those who have not come across the attention-seeker - either you are really naive or really stupid or you are one of 'that' kind and don't want to accept it - here is what it means:

   "attention-seekers" are the ones that do not really understand what the session is all about but tries to make a point or ask a doubt, that even he/she doesn't understand, and in the end confuses/amuses everyone in the room, managing to a positive feedback from the drone, in most cases.

Now the enlightment achieved through this meditation - the answer to my question - was "TUBELIGHTS".

Every class/session I was in had tube-lights on.  If you remember, they insisted on switching these tube-lights on even in the mornings, back in school and college.  Now!? Now there is no question , in these air conditioned environment that most of us are in for most part of the day... there is no question of not having them on.

Note:  They may be variations too, not just tube-lights but even the CFL versions have that effect on you, really...

PS: Wrote it on one frustrated day in the first or second week of February.  No offense to those who make an effort to take sessions, it's the God damned Tube-lights, see what I mean!?  Even I love taking seminars and sessions so really, no offense... :P

I feel like some sci-fi movie clone that's in an identity crisis...

Don't you all, all you out there, working for a big brand company (IT industry), probably campus placement, that everybody recognises ur organisation back home but not doing anything unique... Well...

came up with the line (title) wen i wanted to comment on:

Brand Factory

nice blogs he's got there...

Disclaimer: no this is not a promotion, i do not know this guy apart from following his blogs...;P

22 Jan, 2009... onwards...

I am not a person who remembers birth dates of friends and family, not at all a thing to boast I agree, but one dear friend of mine is Durgha Murugesan and her birthday falls on the 22nd January.  I am talking about this day because this date, of the year 2009, happened to be one memorable day of my life, not in a good way I tell you.

The morning felt nice and good.  I, as I used to at that time, reached office early in the morning, around  7.45 AM.  As I walked out of the rest room to my ODC, I realized my dear little mobile, that was just a 2 yr old toddler, was not in its usual cozy cradle, a little side zip in my hand bag. Though I am known for my clumsiness and carelessness, I have lost really valuable possessions only once before, in that case, a pair of floaters from lotto, and that was a theft, nothing much I could do about it you see.

So this came as an unbelievable shock.  I knew these things happen but never really thought it would happen to me.  EVER.  I mean, losing a mobile, is NOT a joke, even though it was always a subject of my friends' joke that I never bought any of those fancy and/or costly mobiles, you see, it was a 2600 Nokia basic phone, an improvement relatively (I used a Nokia 6530 earlier, the blue screen one, an object of sentiment for it was the first mobile phone in my family, my bro used it before me, a service of 5 years, before I Reluctantly replaced it, only when it's battery died, even then after having a huge debate in my head as to whether I should try and fix it but gave up at the end - blame the peer pressure...)

So I thought the day was bad, adding to the uncertainty and mental chaos, for I had been tagged to a new account and was to be interviewed and monitored for a while to be given a roles in a project (basically about to be given work) . As I went here and there around the campus and on the immediate roads off the campus of my company, to try and find my mobile, in vain, trying out various theories and canceling them constantly, I was quite exhausted mentally and of course, you guessed it, UPSET.  Still I tried hard, called up the bus depot, tried to trace the bus and in fact dropped in to the office and inquired, if there was some miraculous way I could retrieve my little one (what was I even thinking, I used to commute by Govt. Transport).

This was followed by my blocking my SIM card and obtaining a Duplicate SIM, no problems here.

But my troubles had just started, I realized soon.  I had to withdraw some 6K for I was going out of town and had some things to settle and some big expenses.  I went to the ICICI ATM, at my office cafeteria (while I had an account with HDFC, not an unusal thing).  As my luck would have it, I only got a receipt for the transaction and a poorer bank account, but NO Cash!  When I saw the money refill guys, whatever they are called, my exhausted mind illusioned me into a moment of joy and relief (refused to let my reason be heard) and led me to them, asking if they could somehow just verify that the money was still there and hence just give it to me, nice and smooth.  SOMEHOW! For I really needed that cash, else why would I choose to take it right there, from a different ATM? (Just across the road, a few meters, I had the HDFC ATM, for you see, the amount of running around and procedures involved in reverting the cash becomes exponentially reduced when it is an intra bank problem than in an inter bank issue). 

And so it began, a series of running around (for about a month or more), not to mention the nice soothing advices I had to hear from the ever caring and ever doting Family, for my carelessness.  Grrr!

This was followed by getting caught dozing in the room where we were supposed to be learning and interacting - after a tummy full of lunch and a sore mind!!!  Oh, ya and the new duplicate that SIM I had got - it wouldn't get activated due to server issues, for the next two weeks when I was away, usually done in less than 24 hours.  HA!

Well well well... So on the 22nd Jan 2010, I thought that once I get to office, I would observe two minutes of silence for my beloved mobile (I took a real long time to get over my sweetheart) and to thank my life for not giving more days from hell, like that one.  A little nag that started two days before "the day"as to what if I lost something this time too, peeked its meek head with a glint of mischief in its eyes, and I shhssd it clutching my mobile tight in my palm. 

But well, I lost my new ear phones, much to the delight of the little phantom and my dismay, in the very same fashion! - Left behind in the bus.  I couldn't believe it.  This time I knew the sequence of events that led to it and cursed myself even worse, for I had been on the improving scale for the past few months when it came to my carelessness.  And that the pair was new! (Oh, did I not mention that I had lost the ones of my new mobile (in the bus!) just about a couple of months back? Looks like this new phone has not found its soul mate earphones - blame the Paulo Coelho books-thoughts in my head, they seem to have influenced my little mobile that interacts a lot with, well, my head)
So after a lot of cursing, muttering, running out of and into, the office, in just a space of 5 minutes, being called back by the boss, I was only grateful that it was not something worse (I was determined that I would not take my laptop to office, for earlier, the little evil phantom in my head kept stealing looks at it when it thought I did not notice, but you see I had noticed, and till that morning acted like I had not and at the last minute - much to its disappointment, left it back at home.  HA! Will fight till death, you little rut...)



So that is the legend of the 22nd January.  Hope it doesn't continue, at least, doesn't worsen... I believe it will not, for you see, I seem to have lost my ear phones and done such careless things even on the other days... :P I shouldn't have added these lines, it actually nullifies the whole object the earlier paragraphs, but couldn't resist... :P

Declaration: I am not suffering from Schizophrenia... :P

The bridge, the cliff and the gorge...

I was scared too... there was the cliff in front of me...  A narrow gorge...
A slender pane of wooden bridge connecting the two...
The depth below was appalling
I had to walk there without any support or railing...
I was standing there and looking at it with all my concentration trying to swallow my alto phobia and vertigo...
There was a rush and enthusiasm which was helping me, for I knew I had traveled far and wide to get here.
A journey no less taxing than the one I am faced with, may be even more...
There was the land I had wanted to reach, stretching vast, just across the cliff... My destination and may be even destiny, I hoped... For if it was the latter I am sure I would reach it, no matter what I believed...
But then, the crowd behind me were catcalling and jeering...
In the hopes of making me stay back, and not take this risk, they could not afford to lose me... The irony of it, for the means they were employing were not good, not good at all...
I had to take a deep breath... Before going on... But in all that stillness and silence, I could hear their taunts clearly...
The land across is foreign, ur mission inappropriate for a person of your potential, you would never succeed in accomplishing it, let alone crossing the bridge...
You don't even have a walking stick to balance you just in case, let alone a railing on the bridge...

That made me pause... The words were slowly trickling in, percolating into the gaps called self doubt in my made up mind...
I started to have second thoughts... Damn, I thought...
I should have bought a stick on my way here, like all those people who did...

Slowly I looked at them... They were threatening, pleading, staring, but always keeping a distance... But I was blind then, blind to have noted that distance, that give away... I could have done it... Damn those little gaps...

Now, I have turned back and traveled far... Traveled parallel to that cliff... I still see it... There are so many such bridges here and there... Waiting for me to take it one day... Still I have not bought myself a walking stick... But I know, it doesn't matter... I could have done it without it...

May be one day... May be not...

Incomplete - 6

We just don't matter, do we?
Like those tiny little flecks of dust settling on a table...
But no no wait, even they, they would bother someone enough to clean it up...
But WE, we just don matter at all...

We just don't matter, do we?
Like those invisible atomic particles making up the atoms that make every cell of our body to make us...
But no no wait, they matter enough to be what they are and change as they do to let us be us...
But WE, we just don't matter at all...

We just don't matter, do we?
Oh ya we do... To do all your grubby little jobs and clean your desktops...
Oh ya we do...

Shared Sin

I have sinned... but she did her share too...
I are ashamed and guilty and sulking in self persecution...
well she is too... at least I assume so...

do I have to live anymore... for I have done this to her... the very soul I loved or still love?!
am I worthy of life even now... for I have hurt the very being I wanted to protect all my life...
do I have to live with this self, this cruel soul for I have injured the fragile creature I wanted to own...
for I have made that creature realize that it is just not so... for I have made it see its other side, for it is also a creature like me...

have I got the guts to face it and survive... this gashing bleeding wound I have caused to both of us...?!
have I got the sense to see things clear and move on... have I got enough sanity left within me to appreciate the ones that have stuck around..
am I insane enough to not heed the practicality they suggest I live in...?!

I have sinned... but has she not too???

PS: I wrote it for a friend, from college, who was suffering an unrequited love... But he thinks that she did love him but now is not ready to accept it... I am sorry, friend, I hope I haven't given out more details than you like...

  

Stranger in My Native Land...

Stranger in my native land...
Alien to the society that forms most of my country...
Scared among my own sibblings...
  -  To live and let live...

Am I a native, Am I foreign?


I wear strange clothes...
I speak a different tongue...
I live a different life...
I am completely different

To those people whose sweat mixes in my soil...
To the people that plough on, their lives on it...
To the people that float on its floods...
To the people that survive its drought...
To the people that starve in its famine...
To the people that struggle to be...
To the people that are - my country...


I am kind if I give them a seat...
I am generous if I share my food with them...
I am down to earth if I exchange niceties...
I am envied for what I am...

                       A foreigner in my own land...

I am pretty if I don't share their skin tone...
I am progressive if I defy their traditions...
I am independent if I am selfish about my dreams,
          which I build on their support and exclude any credit to them...
I am looked up to - if I am foreign...

I am  frightened to mingle with them...
I depise this struggle for life...
I pity their state of affairs...
I am disgusted at their very standard of life...
But Oh!, I am gentle when I "tolerate" it all for a while...



I pride in rattling along in their compartment
I find adventure in brushing shoulders with people like that....

Yes I am a national... But yes, I am foreign...

உன்னுடன் தோள்கள் உறசி உரையாடுவதில் பெருமை கொள்கிறேன்...
                                                  நான் எவ்வளவு பாகுபாடின்றி பழகுகிறேன்...
என் போல் ஒரு நிலையுள்ளவள் உன்னுடன் பழகுவதில்
                                    நீ வெகுளியாய் பெருமையில் புன்னைகைக்கிறாய்...
அந்தப் புன்னகை எனக்கு உண்மை உணர்த்தியது, நீ என் மண்ணின் மைந்தன்...
நான் வேற்று மண்ணிற்க்கு அடிமை...!!!
இதுவே இன்று எந்நாட்டின் இளைஞர் நிலை...


PS: Wrote it when returning to Bangalore from Hubli after a friend's wedding, on a Fast Passenger shuttle train between the two, courtesy a very thoughtful friend of mine.

There were throngs of people on the Reservation compartments (too!) that traveled clinging to each other and finding seats wherever possible for their two hour ride to a near by town.  The TTR, conveniently for them, checks performs his duty only after their station.  When asked about this, they said that they had tried all means from peaceful (bureaucratic) application processes to rallies and rages.  Nothing worked.  We did not get a chance to ask the TTR about this.  We concluded through "intelligent" discussions among the "literate" reservation passengers that it was probably not as simple as adding a couple more of 'unreserved' compartments, for may be after that station there might not be many 'unreserved' passengers taking the train.  Well, we were quite scared for our belongings and in one of those local stations when we could hear scuffles and a mob of people trying to solve some issue between a couple of guys, we were scared for our own safety too.  And then, naturally, one of us said, "enjoy the adventure, it's ok, when will we get to do something like this again"... The thrill of it gave me a jolt to reality... *SIGH*

Record Work!!!

"OOf!!! Kitna kam karne ko denge yar!!" So much work to do... Job results, print outs, binding and on and on.... Our bioinformatics lab is buzzing with all students from 2nd years to M-tech students... You cannot find one system to work on.. Had to bunk classes to complete the record works. Donno wat to do.. Even right now i'm waiting for my job result i.e., my exercise result.

One thing learnt strongly..."NO PROCRASTINATION HEREAFTER!!!"

Will blog later.. Gotta finish my work.