Raw Hurt: In awe of the serpent, the satan, the Self Doubt...

I am a grieving widow...
Or am I a case of unrequited love?
Had desired you with the utmost lust...
Had loved you in my deepest core...
Had fantasized 'us' in every dream...
Had lived with you, in you, thrived on you...


But you slipped right through my fingers...
Standing in front of me, kindling the fire in me,
pushing everything else out of my mind...It was just you...
Consuming me whole, my every thought... But then you melted into invisibility...
All those crazy years of love and lust, flew away as flecks of dust...
Without a physical trace, you left me..Standing there with nothing but your memories.

My desire, love and lust for you intensified a thousand fold... Killing me from the inside...

Standing there... Stamped with hurt and injury, sore and tired, with your imprints all over me...

Imprints of your having been inside me... Having possessed me... Having burned me..:

With just the idea of you, of us...

I am wasted away now... Incapable of having any other to take your place...

Empty...Burning...Jealous...Angry...On all those who have an equivalent of you-for-me

I hate you...I hate myself...I hate the world...

I hate the 'GOD/power of Nature/My incapacity to retain you',call what you want,that mocks me with your thoughts and memories...
Thoughts of 'what could have been' if we were let to be 'us'...

I still remember the warmth that flooded me when you were inside me...The throb that

seared at the challenge of having you...

The wonder that used to spread when I used to think I am soon going to be with you...

for real...Not just in my thoughts or dreams...

And right when you showed up in full virility...
Right at that moment, I knew, you and I could actually, finally, be us...
Right at that moment, I knew that I am going to savour every bit of time spent with you...

Every little bit OF YOU...

Right at that moment...You vanished...Just like that...


All my struggles to even nurse your thoughts,

All my struggles to get to that first and final glimpse of you, asserting my dreams of A YOU and ME true,

Breaking without a sound into shards of ten thousand, tidal waves of bubbles that

did not hurt me physically but left me in awe of the magnificient cruelty...

Left me dumbfound...Tied and Rigid... Inaction took over...


Now I am a zombie...Incapable...Invalid...

May be I was the one responsible for the whole evil...That teeny tiny nag of a doubt acted the satan, the serpent, the wonder of a creature of sin, of dark awe...

In this case not sinning by letting us unite...But just the contrary...
Putting between us, a distance infinite..... Unreachable.....

For Ever... For Ever...

Dedicated to my lost love, my lost dream, now buried for ever...

Alternative Sexual Orientation...

"Do not argue for the sake of it... You do not know anything... Why do you support them so much, anyway?" asked my dad, losing his patience over my constant unrelenting argument that homosexuality is nothing but a very natural and common thing and in fact is even genetically oriented... I looked at him, looking at me with a slight scrutinizing look, hiding his worries and anxiety over what my answer was going to be, if at all I understood the question correctly - "in the actual sense of it"... I replied, quite 'straight' to his face: "Why dad?, are you worried I am a Lesbian?" and the little pause that I gave there was filled with my dad's interjection "ya may be, so....?", for which I answered quite truthfully, "Don worry dad, I am not", but swallowed the other half of the sentence, "not yet, for I do not even know what it truly means to be an heterosexual in the first place, if u know what I mean"... I could see a slight sigh of relief though I should say he really hid it well... I do not blame him, he was acting like any normal Indian, "father of a college going daughter". He would probably have "killed me for honor" if I had happened to be a lesbian, or may be he would have done the usual "kill-myself-n-may-be-even-kill-u Indian families sentiment" stunt. Anyway it wouldn't have been pleasant for sure. But one has to appreciate my dad, no "Indian dad" would be discussing such a 'taboo' thing with his daughter so openly. Yes I am lucky in that way, he is quite understanding and matured. But I was persistent and still am (I had started and stored the first part of this blog in a note pad about an year and a half ago), because I wanted my-Dad-like-people to understand that "it is NOT against the nature", striking out the very first line of their argument, the forerunner in all their banners and slogans...

Yes, thanks to the scientific community, things have come to light which have
been in darkness for a long while now, but mind you, have always "been"...
There's a saying in Tamil that goes "A cat closes its eyes and thinks the world's gone dark" (I know it is a poor translation, bear with it my Tamil friends)... It is so so true in this case; just because people have been blind or rather have chosen to be blind to it, as in many cases, does not mean that alternative sexual orientation doesn't exist.

First of all, it is a common phenomenon (is that the right word here?) in most animals.

Second, there have been genetic research results that say there are, certain genetic tendencies towards alternative sexual orientation of a person.

Third, it has been there for a long long time, may be not visible, or known much to the common folk, (at least in the Indian scenario) but it has been there...

One concern that parents express is that it may just become a trend, because of "westernization" or "modernization". A true concern. But if you are open enough to agree that this is nothing but a personal choice then, no need to worry anymore.

One more genuine concern, may be the only factual one, is that the possibility of acquiring a "Sexually Transmitted Disease" is quite high in the gay community. But once people are recognized, then the rate of "discreet" and hence "unsafe" sex should go down and hence the incidence of such diseases.

Another genuine concern is how do we distinguish a "relationship" from "attempts of violence". We have to learn from other countries where it has been legalized and try to improve if need be and implement such laws and methodologies.

PS:
The day I completed another 25% of this blog, Delhi High Court declared homosexuality of adults with mutual consent legal, and suggested constitutional amendment to Section 377 of the Indian Penal Code.

Do chk out (click on it if you've not noticed it's a link) the following article, it says a lot of things I wanted to discuss and more...
TOI July 03, 2009 Article: NO ROOM FOR PRUDES
Who Says Homosexuality Is Against Indian Culture? Certainly Not Our Ancient Texts
When gayness was out in open, not a matter of guilt,
Devdutt Pattanaik

People were looking at me with an amused and a mocking curiosity when I felt genuinely happy for the LGBT community upon hearing the news.

Wanted to add a lot of arguments and discussion son the subject but enough articles and such have been published since July 03 that I do not want to reiterate them. But whoever is reading this blog is welcome to post a commment and start an argument/discussion as you may choose to call it. I think it'll only broaden our individual perspectives.

Declaration: I being a heterosexual single, am completely aware of the difficulty, writing this blog will add, to the change in my status of "single-dom", an already difficult task ahead... ;P

Dreamy Little Girl.....

Why is adulthood being pushed on me...?
I still want to be free...

Oh, how I wish the onus of life away...
To be the dreamy little girl again...

The splendours of colurs and marvellous tales...

The running and jumping and silly little games...

Fascinated by everything, inspired by anyone...

Fresh with ideas and ready with laughter...

No problems of weight gain or loss for that matter...

Not conscious of my looks or the crumple of my gown...

Mud and water made friends with my hands...

Food and latter of all buddies shared...

Mischief always lurking around the corner...

Spontaneous with evil and easy with trouble...

New languages, new place, new friends no problem...

Questions fired without mercy, answers always triggering the next...


Why is adulthood being pushed on me...?
I still want to be free...

Oh, how I wish the onus of life away...
To be the dreamy little girl again...

Lament of a LOSER!!!

I can't believe I'm still the kid.
Dreamy... wandering... not a care in the world...

One minute I want to be here, another I want to fly away.

One minute I want to sing my heart out and another I want to dance to death.

One minute I want to do my PhD and another I want to do charity.

What do I want to do in life...? What do I want from me... me, myself...?!

One minute I want to live every moment and another I want to end it all.

What am I gonna do with a self like me... Will I ever be of use to anybody at all...?!


Am I just another bunch of waste waiting to be degraded by the forces of nature...? How do I want it to happen, all of a sudden...?


This wait is too much for me to take... I want to drown myself but am already deep into the sea of my own confusion...

Oh this wait is too much for to take... I'm not able to make a conscious decision... Not one, not one, not one and I tell you this is not fun...


Now I know how it would feel to be, this shit lying on the road... watching up at the sun, pleading to the wind...
"Rot me, rot me, rot me more,... But rot me in no time, so that I can just not be... not be at all....."


Oh I've reached this dead end of my soul.... Been running around too much in this huge never ending maze of ambiguity...

Every alley and every turn is all because I could not say a strong NO...

Every corner and every new path is because I could not make a Simple Decision...

All this haze and blur that fills in here, is because I did not listen to the silent but constant voice that warns me before I do something stupid.....

--to you: the "sexual entertainers", strippers/hookers/whores and all the similar victims of the lust and cruelty of I, the world

I hate you in light,
I love you at night...
Even then there's no fight
Oh! that, is your plight...

Love is transient
If, you call that love...
The soundless screams,
The tear less cries...

The smiling face of pain,
A dirt not cleansed by rain...
Still your fate's so plain
Yes! you are forced to do it; again and again...

Child you never were...
As wild was I.
Mild a touch nowhere...
As I was never fair.

Crushed; a beautiful flower...
Pushed to the end of your soul
Hushed like the sound of silence
Living a life so foul...

If you had made the choice
Disgust is what I show...
If choice was never a choice
Sympathy; I let it flow...

But the truth as true as truth
Stands naked in front of both
I was the one that drove you -
to that choice, or, the choice that never was
Alas! I turn blind, to only the naked latter...
Enjoy that of the former, and punish the same with shame!...

An outraged Indian....!

The year 2008 has been a journey of sorts for India. The thing that stands out of all this (overtaking even the financial crisis) is, of course, the terrorism that's strangling the country... After all these bomb blasts and yes, the gruesome war at Mumbai, Indians are restless...

Times like these shake awake, the feelings of Patriotism and responsibility towards one's country. The young and old alike, want to take responsibility, get some action done, see something change and contribute to that change... At this juncture, the India Today Group has come out with a movement brilliantly named "Declare War against Terror" and asks every citizen to take part in this movement pledging to weed terrorism... I was highly thrilled to watch the advertisement asking us to join it by visiting the website or through sms's... Was waiting to see what this movement is going to do, may be an opportunity to let out our anger in the form of some productive action - contributing to the cleaning up of our country... Just high disappointment... The ad' simply concluded: "the participants' names will be on the website and broadcast on TV"...!!! There was nothing about this being a platform to start various activities, nothing about any "actions" whatsoever... Then not wanting to accept disappointment I checked out the website, expecting more information. But none... The only good thing was the "Ask experts" on terror... But there again, I couldn't find already asked questions and answers...

"Names will appear on TV and website"... Is that all you can think of to say to people just after the attack. Is that all you can say to the enraged public who in a very long time have come out of their cocoons and really want to act on something... I noticed there's a column on "Suggestions and Ideas to act against terror" in the pledging form... The only consoling part... If there is going to be any such "acting on such gathered ideas" (I really hope there is), people like me I'm sure will be more than ready to contribute even if it is going to be only a very small part irrespective of their names being broadcast on TV or website...

............

The silence that pervades all space.... The deep unrelenting silence...

Not only the one in the mourning funeral of a close one's death... Not only the eternal silence of the deaf and dumb... Not only the pregnant silence of unspoken words of an emotional moment... Not just the one that follows the dawning of a bitter understanding of a truth...

But also,

The one that underlies a crowded street... The one that gives a background for the colourful painting of a gaitey crowd in a park or a beach... The one that is an undercurrent in the non cessant sounds of life everywhere... The language of Gaya and the Universe...

This is an unusal kind... It's presence is not felt untill you pay attention and not listen to anything in particular... Untill you just let yourself flow with it... Just be there; present yet not present, visible yet not visible, seeing yet blind, hearing yet deaf, touching yet senseless.... Just be there but not...

In the complete sounds of the mess hall... In all the vessels' clinking, the students' happy laughter, meaningful smiles on their nasty little jokes, their arguments, their hunger and the (dis)satisfaction of food and in the sounds of death of the insects electrocuted adding an ironical buzzzz to the sounds of life that fills the place...

It is a silence that knows no bounds... The omnipresent... The music of life and death... And the imprints of souls and marks of emotions, thoughts and echoes of life left behind and that yet to come... There is the complete realisation of something not understandable... One may give it names or just accept the ignorance, size of him/her and the limits of his/her understanding while floating with the magnificient, all pervading, deep, music of this silence.............!!!