Thursday, August 20, 2009

Raw Hurt: In awe of the serpent, the satan, the Self Doubt...

I am a grieving widow...
Or am I a case of unrequited love?
Had desired you with the utmost lust...
Had loved you in my deepest core...
Had fantasized 'us' in every dream...
Had lived with you, in you, thrived on you...


But you slipped right through my fingers...
Standing in front of me, kindling the fire in me,
pushing everything else out of my mind...It was just you...
Consuming me whole, my every thought... But then you melted into invisibility...
All those crazy years of love and lust, flew away as flecks of dust...
Without a physical trace, you left me..Standing there with nothing but your memories.

My desire, love and lust for you intensified a thousand fold... Killing me from the inside...
Standing there... Stamped with hurt and injury, sore and tired, with your imprints all over me...
Imprints of your having been inside me... Having possessed me... Having burned me..:
With just the idea of you, of us...


I am wasted away now... Incapable of having any other to take your place...
Empty...Burning...Jealous...Angry...On all those who have an equivalent of you-for-me
I hate you...I hate myself...I hate the world...
I hate the 'GOD/power of Nature/My incapacity to retain you',call what you want,that mocks me with your thoughts and memories...
Thoughts of 'what could have been' if we were let to be 'us'...


I still remember the warmth that flooded me when you were inside me...The throb that
seared at the challenge of having you...
The wonder that used to spread when I used to think I am soon going to be with you...
for real...Not just in my thoughts or dreams...
And right when you showed up in full virility...
Right at that moment, I knew, you and I could actually, finally, be us...
Right at that moment, I knew that I am going to savour every bit of time spent with you...
Every little bit OF YOU...
Right at that moment...You vanished...Just like that...


All my struggles to even nurse your thoughts,
All my struggles to get to that first and final glimpse of you, asserting my dreams of A YOU and ME true,
Breaking without a sound into shards of ten thousand, tidal waves of bubbles that
did not hurt me physically but left me in awe of the magnificient cruelty...
Left me dumbfound...Tied and Rigid... Inaction took over...


Now I am a zombie...Incapable...Invalid...
May be I was the one responsible for the whole evil...That teeny tiny nag of a doubt acted the satan, the serpent, the wonder of a creature of sin, of dark awe...
In this case not sinning by letting us unite...But just the contrary...
Putting between us, a distance infinite..... Unreachable.....

For Ever... For Ever...




Dedicated to my lost love, my lost dream, now buried for ever...

8 comments:

Sindhu said...

ujju.. good one!! expectin more from u!

Sudip said...

hi Ujwala...
I am not that into literature... but your words glued me till the end...

most natural feelings.. communicates straight to the core..
Hats off!

one thing I couldn't understand...
"--That teeny tiny nag of a doubt acted the satan, the serpent, the wonder of a creature of sin, of dark awe...
In this case not sinning by letting us unite...But just the contrary...--"
Can you help me ?

savind said...

JOSHI...!!!! Kudos...!! PUBLISH IT...!!! this is the only thing i can possibly say..!!! Its mindblowing...!!

ujwala said...

@ sindhu: thanks...

@Sudip: thanks... well, its like this...

Comparing with the bible, like, there the Satan, in the form of a serpent, persuaded Eve to have the apple from the tree of knowledge and share it with Adam, thus sinning and making them sin...

There it ultimately united them and hence sinned, acted against god, but here the satan, cruelly seperated us... The satan, here, my Self Doubt... Hope you are clear now.

@sav: thanks man... :)

Sudip said...

thanks! Ujwala...

I strongly agree with Savind... Publish yaar.. incredible!!

ViRaNa said...

It's like deep regret, self doubt, self hatred, the feeling of not getting what she wanted to.. all wonderfully composed into a single piece... really liked it.. maybe you should listen to your friends and publish it.. :) it really would make a difference to someone who needs to read this.. good one!

abishek said...

besides this being a fantastic piece of poetry, one other interesting thing i noticed is, the alternate left and right alignment... good idea... all poems need not be justified-aligned...

cheers

ujwala said...

@virana: thnx... uhm... but don really think so... anyway...

@abi: thnx... actually it was initially by mistake, then wen i saw the effect I said to myself, I am gonna leave it this way... Creates a sort of effect... ;P