Dreamy Little Girl.....

Why is adulthood being pushed on me...?
I still want to be free...

Oh, how I wish the onus of life away...
To be the dreamy little girl again...

The splendours of colurs and marvellous tales...

The running and jumping and silly little games...

Fascinated by everything, inspired by anyone...

Fresh with ideas and ready with laughter...

No problems of weight gain or loss for that matter...

Not conscious of my looks or the crumple of my gown...

Mud and water made friends with my hands...

Food and latter of all buddies shared...

Mischief always lurking around the corner...

Spontaneous with evil and easy with trouble...

New languages, new place, new friends no problem...

Questions fired without mercy, answers always triggering the next...


Why is adulthood being pushed on me...?
I still want to be free...

Oh, how I wish the onus of life away...
To be the dreamy little girl again...

Lament of a LOSER!!!

I can't believe I'm still the kid.
Dreamy... wandering... not a care in the world...

One minute I want to be here, another I want to fly away.

One minute I want to sing my heart out and another I want to dance to death.

One minute I want to do my PhD and another I want to do charity.

What do I want to do in life...? What do I want from me... me, myself...?!

One minute I want to live every moment and another I want to end it all.

What am I gonna do with a self like me... Will I ever be of use to anybody at all...?!


Am I just another bunch of waste waiting to be degraded by the forces of nature...? How do I want it to happen, all of a sudden...?


This wait is too much for me to take... I want to drown myself but am already deep into the sea of my own confusion...

Oh this wait is too much for to take... I'm not able to make a conscious decision... Not one, not one, not one and I tell you this is not fun...


Now I know how it would feel to be, this shit lying on the road... watching up at the sun, pleading to the wind...
"Rot me, rot me, rot me more,... But rot me in no time, so that I can just not be... not be at all....."


Oh I've reached this dead end of my soul.... Been running around too much in this huge never ending maze of ambiguity...

Every alley and every turn is all because I could not say a strong NO...

Every corner and every new path is because I could not make a Simple Decision...

All this haze and blur that fills in here, is because I did not listen to the silent but constant voice that warns me before I do something stupid.....

--to you: the "sexual entertainers", strippers/hookers/whores and all the similar victims of the lust and cruelty of I, the world

I hate you in light,
I love you at night...
Even then there's no fight
Oh! that, is your plight...

Love is transient
If, you call that love...
The soundless screams,
The tear less cries...

The smiling face of pain,
A dirt not cleansed by rain...
Still your fate's so plain
Yes! you are forced to do it; again and again...

Child you never were...
As wild was I.
Mild a touch nowhere...
As I was never fair.

Crushed; a beautiful flower...
Pushed to the end of your soul
Hushed like the sound of silence
Living a life so foul...

If you had made the choice
Disgust is what I show...
If choice was never a choice
Sympathy; I let it flow...

But the truth as true as truth
Stands naked in front of both
I was the one that drove you -
to that choice, or, the choice that never was
Alas! I turn blind, to only the naked latter...
Enjoy that of the former, and punish the same with shame!...

An outraged Indian....!

The year 2008 has been a journey of sorts for India. The thing that stands out of all this (overtaking even the financial crisis) is, of course, the terrorism that's strangling the country... After all these bomb blasts and yes, the gruesome war at Mumbai, Indians are restless...

Times like these shake awake, the feelings of Patriotism and responsibility towards one's country. The young and old alike, want to take responsibility, get some action done, see something change and contribute to that change... At this juncture, the India Today Group has come out with a movement brilliantly named "Declare War against Terror" and asks every citizen to take part in this movement pledging to weed terrorism... I was highly thrilled to watch the advertisement asking us to join it by visiting the website or through sms's... Was waiting to see what this movement is going to do, may be an opportunity to let out our anger in the form of some productive action - contributing to the cleaning up of our country... Just high disappointment... The ad' simply concluded: "the participants' names will be on the website and broadcast on TV"...!!! There was nothing about this being a platform to start various activities, nothing about any "actions" whatsoever... Then not wanting to accept disappointment I checked out the website, expecting more information. But none... The only good thing was the "Ask experts" on terror... But there again, I couldn't find already asked questions and answers...

"Names will appear on TV and website"... Is that all you can think of to say to people just after the attack. Is that all you can say to the enraged public who in a very long time have come out of their cocoons and really want to act on something... I noticed there's a column on "Suggestions and Ideas to act against terror" in the pledging form... The only consoling part... If there is going to be any such "acting on such gathered ideas" (I really hope there is), people like me I'm sure will be more than ready to contribute even if it is going to be only a very small part irrespective of their names being broadcast on TV or website...

............

The silence that pervades all space.... The deep unrelenting silence...

Not only the one in the mourning funeral of a close one's death... Not only the eternal silence of the deaf and dumb... Not only the pregnant silence of unspoken words of an emotional moment... Not just the one that follows the dawning of a bitter understanding of a truth...

But also,

The one that underlies a crowded street... The one that gives a background for the colourful painting of a gaitey crowd in a park or a beach... The one that is an undercurrent in the non cessant sounds of life everywhere... The language of Gaya and the Universe...

This is an unusal kind... It's presence is not felt untill you pay attention and not listen to anything in particular... Untill you just let yourself flow with it... Just be there; present yet not present, visible yet not visible, seeing yet blind, hearing yet deaf, touching yet senseless.... Just be there but not...

In the complete sounds of the mess hall... In all the vessels' clinking, the students' happy laughter, meaningful smiles on their nasty little jokes, their arguments, their hunger and the (dis)satisfaction of food and in the sounds of death of the insects electrocuted adding an ironical buzzzz to the sounds of life that fills the place...

It is a silence that knows no bounds... The omnipresent... The music of life and death... And the imprints of souls and marks of emotions, thoughts and echoes of life left behind and that yet to come... There is the complete realisation of something not understandable... One may give it names or just accept the ignorance, size of him/her and the limits of his/her understanding while floating with the magnificient, all pervading, deep, music of this silence.............!!!

Female Infanticide...

A few days ago I read an article in the Newspaper talking about the problem of Female Infanticide still being heavily prevelant in many places and even having been seen to have had a rise in a few states(the statistics were given in the article). In the various means to eradicate this it mentioned equal property distribution as one, which has been an ongoing problem in itself as only a few states have made "Equal Right to Property" laws. Then it struck me, in INDIA, a country known for its familyhood, closeknit society, culture and sentiments with its tales and epics talking abt how a mother/child sacrfices everything for the other, we are talking abt materialistic wealth to stop a mother/father/relative from killing their own newborn child....!!!

Then i thought, since "money to bring them up, money to educate them, money to get them married" are the basic reasons for female infanticide in almost all cases, obviously, i can't talk sentiments.... For that matter all the problems that we women in India face should not be if we are going to talk sentimemts isn't it?... Neway jus a thought...!

Flashback...!!

Life doesn't seem to be the same at all times... like us. Different situations kindling the different personalities inside us, each having one strong line of emotion- the force, the energy that changes the whole environment, everything around us, people, their views, and hence our reaction to them, that, an emotion again. "Strange" is the word that comes to my mind when I realize the above. Strange but how true…

Now, as I read the above after 3 months or more from my writing it, I can see that I have come really a lot far away from my innocent childhood, ambiguous adolescence to the little matured late teens.

How life and time play a tricky game, making us passionate, pleasing, making us expect, joyous, disappointed, displeasing and teaching us all the way through... Though the civilized mankind has understood all this (or that is what it thinks!!), developing special fields for it called philosophy etc., the truth remains that "the very wise mankind" is still a student, learning the lessons of life, a different one each time and a different one to each person, making it impossible to make an index for the chapters learnt.

Yew!! I seem to be talking big things; I am just 18!

That was 3 years ago. That was the first ever blog i wrote, the one i spoke abt in the "first blog". Its been a real long time since i blogged. Thought i wud start anew with a flashback...!! ;p