Everything... Nothing...

I am walking... On n on go my feet...
Not knowing where... Not knowing how...
All by myself... Alternating darkness and Light...
No I am not stopping anywhere for my feet don't...
My mind wandering too, round n round, stuck at one point...
Its all blank... I am not thinking...
I am not seeing, not hearing, not feeling...
I just walk on and on...

There's a slight breeze that blows across my face, warm to the cold outside. Cold to the heat outside.
I do not know... I do not feel...

There's a light sunlight, in the cloudy sky, there's a fierce sun heating up the cold day...
There's a cool moonlight, lighting up my path... There's not even starlight in the shrouded dark...
And I walk on and on, on the command of my feet... On no will of anything at all...

I do not seek the shade to rest, I do not seek food for there's no appetite...
I do not feel pain or exhaustion... I am not numb for me not to feel...
I just walk on and on...

The path's cluttered with thorn, bush and flowers... I am walking in a desert, not even a mirage of an oasis...
The place is milling with people of all color, size and age... There's not a soul alive...
I am completely clad, to suit the cold... Bare naked to chill in the blasting heat...
I sweat and shiver and hug myself... I don't move a muscle, not a twitch of my finger...
I look all around me, there's no image recognition... I am not blind...
I hear all around me, still silence... I am not deaf...
I feel something, a lot of things on my skin... I am walking in void...
I taste blood, stench, sweet, sour, bitter blood... It's completely empty, nothing around...

I just walk on and on... Not knowing why...
All by myself... My mind wandering, fixed at one point...

As I gaze into your eyes...

As I gaze into your eyes...
Sometimes a deep blue ocean...
Sometimes the clear green sea...
Sometimes a sunlit drop of honey...
Sometimes the gray of pure water...
Sometimes the black of the night...
Sometimes the blackish brown of the woods...
Changing, according to my mood and need in the dream...

As I gaze into your eyes...
I touch the thousand stars I watch with you by my side, all night, in my dreams...
I am at all those exotic places, at once, that I visit with you, in my dreams...
I feel the tingle of a cool warm breeze across our faces, in my dreams...
I hear the rustle of leaves as we walk through the wonderful woods, in my dreams...
I jostle against the tourist crowds in all those shopping malls we visit, in my dreams...
I remember how I warmed up to the slight tightening of your hold on me, protective against those crowds, in my dreams... And I warm up again...
I feel the soothing heal for the burning pain I had felt that day, when I had tried to hide it but you had found out, with no words exchanged, that day in my dream...
I blush again at how you made me blush with those words whispered softly into my ears, in front of the whole crowd of our folk, at our wedding dinner, in my dream...
I remember every word of the thousands of amazing meaningful conversations that we had. probably making sense only to the two of us, in my dreams...
I fall gradually once again, like I did that day, when you casually started kissing me and I couldn't help but fall for it, that day, the first kiss, in my dreams...
I spend a silent afternoon in your arms, like that day, on a swing and two cups of coffee... like that day in my dreams...


As I gaze into your eyes... In my dreams...

I am sorry but I will haunt you.....

I hide in the shadows of the dark...
Slowly start to limp back to my graveyard...
For I know you felt me when I saw the slight shiver that went through you when you came too close... Similar to the hot blast I felt at my navel

When I heard the giggle and the slight snuggle, I died again...
For I know there's another soul that you are seeking...
To try and be happy, to be with, all your life, to live, to create beautiful memories...

And I cried there again for the ten thousandth time or may be more...
Silent sobs and loud dry tears... Wept like a wet sag squeezed to dry...
I know you can't see me, I know you can't hear me... I know you can't touch me...
But it is no different from when I was alive... Even then you did not do any of this.
Yes there is a feeble difference. THEN you DID NOT, NOW you CANNOT.

But strangely enough, now, you know when I am there, at least there's a physical reaction from your body.
I'm more visible now, after I am dead than I was when alive...

I know I am nothing but a haunting soul dying every minute of my whispy existence...
I know I am no more dead than the numb hours I spent looking out my window when you were happily whispering lines into HER ears.

But I know I have always been alive in those moments I watched you with nothing else to do with my life...
I was there, I am here. All the same. I was and still feel alive when I watch the sun play its rays on your strands of hair, sticking out unruly
when you bend down to whisper to Her.

Oh that day when my heart broke into shards, when I caught you in a corner, with your eyes full of love looking into hers...
When I saw those strong eyes melting and melting into those soft eyes of hers, on your strong handsome face...

That is when I died again... For that love was what I was craving for and it was right there in front of me, but no no, not for me.
That is when I lived the fullest, for I had seen that love in those eyes, that sight, my salvation.
Though not for me, it was there, as I had always imagined, may be more wonderful than in my dreams.
Well, I could accommodate a slight change, SHE was there instead of ME.

Funnily enough I never felt jealous of her.
Yes I died every time I saw you with her but that was mostly because my heart seemed to forget to beat when you were around...
Even more so when it realizes that you are not walking in my direction to meet me but to meet HER... another.

I am extremely sorry but I cannot help it. I will haunt you for ever. For here lies my heaven...
In those strong eyes... I am decent enough to let you live your life in the privacy you deserve.
But I will haunt you, in those moonlit nights you walk down alone, left to your own thoughts.
I will haunt you when you sleep alone, dreaming blissfully, just to look at you.
I will haunt you when you sing to yourself and smile, a romantic song, in practice to sing for that other lucky soul in your life.

I am content with watching you for the rest of my non existent life.
I am content with the slight shiver you feel when I brush a little too close, forgotten in those eyes.
That shiver indicating you felt me. That is enough. There lies my heaven. I choose to roam wild for this bliss.
I am no unfortunate soul, but a blessed one for I am eternally in love and I died when I was in love.
I am blessed for I died before I got options to confuse me
Before some guy comes to me and says "you are more visible to me than anything else in the world"... like you were for me...
Before somebody takes me for a partner for life out of sympathy or for some cunning reasons.

I am a blessed soul. I seek my heaven here. I will try to take care to not get too close to you too often.

I am sorry but I will haunt you.

For the people who know me well: No it is not about who you think it is about; sorry "you", the guy these ppl think it is abt.
So all of you, I am yes, the kind that would love someone so bad, but not yet... Will surely yell the name out when I do, so don't waste your energies assuming and/or speculating... :)

on the run...

நல்லா ஓடிட்டு இருந்த வாழ்கையில ஓடவே ஓடாத நான், இப்போ ஓடவே ஓடாத வாழ்கையில தினம் ஓடறேன்...

ஆபீஸ் பஸ் பிடிக்க தினம் லேட் ஆ  எழுந்து கிளம்பி ஓடும்போது கடுப்புல வந்த தத்துவம்...

transliteration:

nalla odittu iruntha vaazhkayila odave odaatha nan, ippo odave odaatha vaazhkayila dinam odaren...

result of frustration: staying in a far away place from office, try getting late n runnig to catch the office bus... almost everyday!!!... :P

an intellectual discussion on a poem by doing a post mortem on it OR,... a senseless blab??!!..... Perception, hmm...

For those interested in a discussion abt this poem, please read the note below nd then go on and read the poem.  For those without such patience/interest, well go ahead...

there she was carrying the heavy burden

the burden of a curse so severe that it caused -

a scar that ran through her mind;

a burn that seared her heart;

a pain that throbbed her whole body,

every minute of her existence;

she cud see everything in a view afar her own stand,

she cud talk abt anything in a neutral way - no influence,

she wud criticize everything fair n square...

the cynic - she was called

she initially enjoyed it -  even though

her witty words wud sting the men away

her wise cracks fell like whip cracks - causing them all to keep a safe distance..

she was independent in her own way...

n needed a lot of space...

so all this only, suited her...

she walked every path without fear

she moved through the jungle with no one near

she traversed far n wide - alone

she held a passion; a fire...

that scorched the less passionate

some looked at her in awe...

some sulked away

some tried to belittle her

none of this affected her... for she was not only a woman of intensity but of free spirit...

she was a child, a girl, a fascinated creature...

in awe n admiration of everything dark and everything fair...

she read through people but opened up to a lot she found to be good.

she was blatantly honest... n expected the same from others…

she was tactlessly straightforward...

she was blunt with a tongue as sharp as a sword...

she was loyal to the last drop of blood and sensitive when someone qsnd this...

all this was well untill she fell...

fell for the first time in her life to the beautiful feeling, the force she had always imagined, lived with, wanted...

the feeling, the force that was so familiar to her but had never been truly hers...

wen she hurt n bruised her little soul, she realised, that this was just a hint of that force tht she had always wanted... jus a mirage...

n she was not relieved by this revelation... she was even more worried...

if a mirage cud do this... if jus a shadow cud do this...

wat abt the real force that she worshipped...

wat if the real force came on her n left like the shadow did...

will she bleed to death… or will she survive n suffer…

as she thought abt this, she grew used to the fear being a part of her for eternity…

then she evolved into a symbiont or more a host to the parasitic fear tat sucked out her soul slowly…

but she was a gaiety being… an incorrigible optimist… so she did not die…

she had enuf hope n hence enuf life left in her to feed the parasite n keep herself alive…

she survived and suffered.  Suffering became nothing new.

The curse of imagination, fantasy and romanticism struck her again…

She grew from a gal to a lady in the process of becoming a woman…

She moved through various worlds and met a lot of people in her everlasting journeys. 

Now again she felt the presence of the force she sought all her life.

The force that eluded her always… the force who’s intensity she knew cannot stand but wanted it all the same.,,

the shadow of that force’s shadow planted a kiss on her n she was still craving…

she had been craving for the force all her life with all her might… she was a faithful pupil, a faithful follower.

/* Now the fear took a new form… there she had another revelation. The curse was not jus the trio.

The curse was also that she was never going to find a host of that force she was seeking…

There was no soul man enuf to host the force in the intensity she sought…

bcoz her curse made her (not easily impressed/unimpressed) unimpressible (unimpressionable)…

The cynic could not be convinced so easily.  The curse of her imagination had set high std’s.

She wanted the perfect host for the force… For THE force.  For HER force…

So no soul that played host for the force was good enuf to become HERS.

But all the same…*/

She knew the force was irresistible… it was indestructible… invincible… n she (her soul) was ready to play a whore for it all her life… because she knew all too well that it wud not stay to be her husband but haunt her all the more…

She knew it was not something to be contained or constrained but to be let free… much like her free spirit will and desire…

But she was possessed; obsessed with the force so much that she knew she was her own victim…

she would seek the force in every creek… every day of the week…

 /* every possibility of a host would be analyzed and she would be disappointed. */

She would die trying to belong to it and making it belong to her… coz she knew the force was insatiable much like her ravenous desire for the force… it would not remain… but she also knew she was much too good for the force to not return…

She would survive and suffer… everytime…

For she bore the scar… burnt in her hrt… ached all over her body… every minute of her existence…

For she was carrying the heavy burden of the curse; of imagination, of fantasy and romanticism…

She was a victim of her own desire…

She was the victim of and whore for the force… of her own free spirit… but the truth remains, that so is the force… she realized… even it has an insatiable hunger for her curse, that it came bk to haunt her… all her life… 

NOTE: ok... here goes... first read the red colored lines... if u read again u'll notice that the styles n context varies between the lines before and after the underlined line in blue... tats wer i stopped the first day I started writing this poem (21st Sept)...

n now include the light green lines n read the poem again... I had tried to add them in between to minimize the difference between the two days' work... and now the logical conflict arises... initially i am only talking abt the force, but later am talking abt the host and then returning to the force... which doesn suit...  well, if at all wat I am trying to explain here makes sense to u, u r welcome to discuss it... else, jus another blog... :)

PS: this is why I am generally not comfortable with stopping a poem half way one day and completing it on a later one.  There's a change in the style and or context ranging in intensity from subtle to obvious... hmmpf... :-/

I forbid thee, liar...!

the weekend has come n gone...

but the wind (read gmail) din bring a word from ma love...

she's there all alone all by herself....

and I am here amidst a bustling crowd, all by myself...

waiting for a word, a touch, a sweet kiss...

the parting was hard on both of us...

the world shifted on its plates...

but there was hope as the wind promised a medium...

for our souls to speak to each other...

for our hearts to listen to the beating out loud of each other's names...

for our hands to still feel the lingering hold wen we last walked together...

with that promise we parted... with tht hope we parted...

and now the wind has betrayed us... our souls are dying...

I will never forgive it for this...

but wat do I not understand, it keeps whispering something in my ear as I say this...

No, tht cannot be... No I know my love too well..

No she would not betray me...No I forbid you to talk abt her like tht to me...

No, I forbid thee, a liar to enter my nostrils...

I deny to live on a wind that betrayed me and put the blame on my love...

I love you darling and I am dying with the pride and honour of having loved and been loved by.. U...

Wrote this wen I had to mail a close friend who promised to mail me over the weekend and failed. I chose to keet the context but changed the roles... ;P
Funny, this thing called inspiration... ;P

Well, sry abt the language... rather honestly, not sry...!?

Do u know how it feels to be a fcuking loser...?
To hate urself, ur skin, ur soul, every min of ur existence?
To love it all @ the same time, to the same fcuking extent...?

Have u ever felt so sick to ur stomach, so disgusted @ ur own being...?
Have u ever wannd to kill urself and felt ashamed @ ur desire to live, even after having proved not jus to ur own self that u r a fcuking loser...?

Have u ever cried ur heart out, in silent sobs, in darkness, too ashamed of ur defeat inlife, of ur own uselessness...?

Have u ever felt like u r a constant burden, walking this earth, shtting all over the place, leaving behind ur stink...?
And felt the world wrinkle its nose, look @ u with the utmost contempt for u r a loathsome being...
Felt it all even though u do not have the fcuking guts to turn & look for the stench is too bad even though it is ur own...

Have u ever showed ur finger, in ur mind's eye, to "watever it is that brought u into existence", for it is a fcuked up job and u know it well coz u r that job...?

Have u ever felt like a fcuking loser, right in the middle of the world...
Blocking the path of every1 near n around u...
Making them hate u every min though they might not be able to say it all to u...

Have u ever screwed up every time, every time a person tries to clean u up, tries to make u over... Right at that moment wen they try, u sht again, stinking more than before...


Have u ever ever ever felt like a fcuking loser.....?