Last wish. . .

The rubble around her intrigues her barely awake brain while she is quietly indifferent, to all that chaos and cacophony of the dying.  She is careful not to walk upon any piece of flesh whether a part of an alive being or dead and it is not a conscious effort - it is involuntary.  She is so numb with exhaustion that she is incessantly aware of every infinitesimally small change in everything around her. She extends her hand to feel the morbid air, thick with the thoughts of so many thousand weeping and feeble souls, most willing to die quickly than live the horrible pain, while clinging dearly to the little of life left in their atoms.  She braces herself against the raw cold, and walks without paying heed to the calls of the few sane people trying to help the helpless.  She is sane enough to watch and understand the hurt and gauge the gross damage. She is not sane enough to help anyone there beyond dragging herself away from them before she kills everyone to a quicker, more peaceful death.

She slowly comes around to hear her mother's voice; opens her eyes to get a startlingly clear picture of her mother with eyes that seem wise and strange - worn out eyes, sore with dried tears - reflecting a hardened soul, cold with strength, fighting against the weakness of emotions.  She sees her nod towards the doctor.  She understands at that precise moment.  Her mother did not let her down even now.  Her mother is always right - she smiles towards her gently - she knows her mother would have heard her think - I love you!  She looks at the single pearly tear that trickles down her mother's cheek, the one she always loved to rub against.  She can still recall the smoothness and the smell of it.  I love you mom!  She closes her eyes to the tiny pin prick of the needle – the last of pain she was to endure, the last of anything she was to feel in her short life.  She closes her eyes, gratefully!

Agony... Sweet!!

My eyelids close, my heartbeat slows . . .
I feel myself in rhythm with the silence around me . . .

It takes me high, stoops me low
I now not where I am, nor where I was ,
                              let alone where I should be
For I know not who I am, nor what!

Deafening silence bellows into my eardrums,
I keep my pace and lower my face
Burying myself into the deepest of crevices I find inside my darkened soul . . .

I see but there's no light and I see that there's no light
For darkened is this tunnel, this tunnel of void . . .

Moving through the fog and mist,
My body growing numb with cold . . .

Cold sweat breaks down my spine
And I find myself abandoned . . .
Naked fear my only wrapping . .

I see your face dawning close to mine
Like beckoning into more of pain
More of agony, sweet!!

And there I groan my last wish
Whisper my last kiss into your sinful lips. . .
                                My illusion . . .!!

And it all fades into more darkness
Irony, there was no light to begin with . . .!!!

An evolution of the dying . . .

There are just too many dead around me for me to care for one loss

There are just too many hurt around me for me to tend to one wound

There are just too many crying around me for me to wipe one tear

There is just too much sorrow for me to sympathize

There is just too much emotion in the around for me to empathise

This is my world

This is my life

And I am a walking corpse

And I look around once to realize I am one in a herd

And I pause and let the crowd go and realize it is not a small herd but a whole population

A civilization of dead

An evolution of the dying

I won't stay around happiness for long . . .

Don't keep me too happy,
'Coz I won't stay long then. . .

A soul that seeks the pleasures of sadness
that seeks the little points of light that leak in the crevices of darkness
I won't stay long around happiness. . .

Blessed with the curse of gloom and melancholy,
The joy of pity and the grace of sorrow,
The pride of shame and suffering insult -
Keep my sparce soul drugged. . .
So I won't stay long around happiness. . .

Thoughts of bitterness and memories of disgust
Keep me alive and remind me of my existence
N I won't stay long around happiness. . .

So don't try my love, to give me the joy of your heart. . .
Don't try my love, to keep me drunk -
drunk on your innocent love's insistance on laughter and sweetness
For I won't stay drunk for long my love...
I won't stick around happiness for long...

Let go of me I tell you,
For all I would do is hurt you
and hurt myself in the process
For I am drugged on sorrow my love

Clinging to the sheer pain of life
I draw you near to my weeping heart
Make you go through all that turmoil
For that is all I can hear in my head in the eternal silence of life

I live in a world of grey
where you are pricked and poked in different levels of pain
just so you would know that you are...

Which is why I tell you

I won't stay long around happiness...
For I am a soul that seeks the infinite bliss of killing one's own soul just so as to say "C you are alive"...!
- the ecstacy of slow death, a privilege of the mortals. . .

Whack!!

Heart is a pros***ute and the mind is the pimp!

Writing is like love, you can't decide to write even if you feel like you want to... It has to happen!

People lie because they're scared, either of telling "you" the truth or of the "truth itself"!

Theirs. . .

It was her.  He picked the ringing fone softly flashing her name to her fav song.  Her voice melodious as always, tugged at the depth of his heart. He could hear the excitement - of a secret about to be shared - in her voice, as she invited him to their fav meeting spot to tell him about something important, "for a special surprise" as she put it.  His eyes were softening at the sound of her voice, but also had the pain they always bore, whenever he heard her.  He smiled, so she could hear it in his voice and said he'll be there, for after all, he had been expecting this call.  He went about his day of work, without any visible distraction, but a neat undercurrent of memories, wishes, hopes, disappointments, love, misery.

He was there, 15 mins ahead in time and stood at the shore and let the lapping waves soothe his tired body while his heart raced.  But he exuded calm and cool, as always.  He sensed her and turned, she walked to the spot beside him and stood enjoying the soothing waves and the beautiful scenery, emanating soft beauty, as always.  The beach was mostly deserted at this late twilight hour.  They walked to their fav bench, she entwined her hand through his elbow on the way and he responded with a reassuring smile.

As they sat at the bench, she took his hand in hers and smiled, eyes widened, he understood her question and pretended a "no guesses" shrug of his shoulders but with enough enthusiasm to egg her on.  She placed his palm on her abdomen and he heard the faint but racing pulse as his own rose to match.  He searched her eyes and she replied with her twinkle eyed smile, cracking a dimple at one cheek.  He fell in love, all over again, as always.

"I did it", she said, almost trembling with passionate enthusiasm, "Artificial Insemination, State sperm Bank, they did not reveal the donor, not even to me, rules, and am only glad.  Called mom and dad and gave them the news.  They cut, not just the call."  He could see her swallowing the bitterness and disappointment gracefully and bring back her charming smile.  He wanted to engulf her in a hug.  "It's ok", she said as his care and worry for her showed in his eyes, "this heartbeat cures more than I imagined it would", she looked at her abdomen fondly.

He did not take his hand off her pulsing abdomen till they parted for the evening.  He dropped her at her door, a cozy little house where she lived alone, refused her offer to go inside with a whispered goodnight kiss on her forehead which she returned with a warm bear hug.

He left after she walked in and waved a good bye from inside the chain locked door.  He reached home, called up the doctors, the sperm bank and his confidente, the friend who pulled the strings.  Thanked them all  for her safety and for keeping his identity a secret, as a tear drop streaked his one cheek.

Your silken fingers with their roughened skin, gracefully wrap around my Jugular again…

Your knees pressing  hard against my ribcage
Your strong hands suffocating me more with each breath I take

I’m blacking out,
I’m seeing stars,
Losing my senses and fading fast
Present tense a pretense, the darkness of my past, Moving like shadows cast, in the night…

You change your mind, release a bit, the rush of air, disorienting me more,
You relent your grip, I try to get up and trip, face down…
You turn me on my back, run your fingers across my neck, resting your knees on my chest again…

I do not have the strength to be scared, nor the sense to surrender
I take rattling breaths, battling to stay alive, to feel you against me for some more time

Your silken fingers with their roughened skin,  gracefully wrap around my Jugular again…

I snuggle closer to you, you respond with a harder press of your knees on my chest…
I put my shivering hand, cold, around your waist, Your body hot from the exertion…


You place a delicious kiss on my charred lips, dry from the silent exhaution, making me long for more
You lovingly wipe my forehead, my panic sweat, making me yearn for more of that comfort…


I mutter and sputter, you lean in close, to listen to my death wish
I pull you close to me, my last remaining ounce (of energy) exerted, your hot breath on my face,
  moving a strand of stray hair, disheveled by my struggle.


Your grip not strong enough by the distraction now, I take that (the) chance to crane my neck to reach higher
I catch your lips with mine and you grant me my parting gift
And at that moment, in your eyes, I saw my imminent death…


I felt love, in your last strangle at my throat,
Your beautiful face was the last thing inhaled…
While your sensuous, lingering kiss, leveraged me into a final orgasm - Death…

Beware! Boss is online too! :P

I put this up on my gmail status yesterday while online from office:

Ma first post at TrendStash: http://trendstash.com/2010/02/18/is-managing-your-odor-a-tall-order/

and then updated it to also have:

 and Damn these Tubelights...!: http://ujjuhere.blogspot.com/

for I had just completed my almost-complete post at the blogspot while my server (the one on which I was supposed to work and copy files from - slow as a turtle job I tell you) was taking its own sweet aeons to load.

I had slackened on the usual cautiousness I exercise while using office network.  And tang bang!!! there is a ping from ma boss:

boss: do you have any tasks for the day ...or are you busy in writing blogs?

shoot shoot shoot! damn it!  irundalum, no salt whatsoever - so vizhundalum meesaila mannu ottalanu (ppl pls don dare to crack tat u don hav a mustache PJ again in my comments section pls... !!! *roll my eyes*) I said:

me: the server is slow to open, so using the time in betn to complete the blog I had almost completed yesterday.  The other one is an article i updated in the non office hours

(Russel Peter style) Hey man, I am so cool eh, so gutsy eh? lol... lol... Jack a** -  in my head

boss: hmm ...so you write blogs ...can you help me completing two of my pending document then ?

ROTFL..... did one yesterday... more to come in the coming weeks, the "documents"... lol...

So, Note to self:  Beware! Boss is online too!

:P

Damn these Tubelights...!

I have found the answer to a question I have had for along time now.  Why do I, feel sleepy/glazed/dazed/go into a stupor/(as more spiritual folk would call it) go into a transcendental meditative state/(with more pride) go into a reverie every time I am a part of an audience listening to someone teach/take a seminar/lecture???

I found the answer to this today in one of those "I will speak inside my mouth-you try to deduce", "reading-it-from-a-power point presentation", drone sessions (effort appreciated - no offense), while I was slowly and dutifully losing consciousness, time traveling into a stupor-reverie-daydream - that my mind promptly deletes from it's neuron data stack the minute it hits a reality flag on (checked when the drone makes eye contact) - only to briefly nod in feigned understanding, while I had absolutely no idea as to what the drone had been saying till then.

As soon as the Drone turns to another con - most likely - or the "attention-seeker" (one to be found for sure in any and every herd of cattle waiting for their turn at the drone guillotine that refuses to kill but just slowly increases pressure and attacks at your brain) or to that one sincere-savior, my mind jumps into another of those blissful-subconscious state.

Those who have not come across the attention-seeker - either you are really naive or really stupid or you are one of 'that' kind and don't want to accept it - here is what it means:

   "attention-seekers" are the ones that do not really understand what the session is all about but tries to make a point or ask a doubt, that even he/she doesn't understand, and in the end confuses/amuses everyone in the room, managing to a positive feedback from the drone, in most cases.

Now the enlightment achieved through this meditation - the answer to my question - was "TUBELIGHTS".

Every class/session I was in had tube-lights on.  If you remember, they insisted on switching these tube-lights on even in the mornings, back in school and college.  Now!? Now there is no question , in these air conditioned environment that most of us are in for most part of the day... there is no question of not having them on.

Note:  They may be variations too, not just tube-lights but even the CFL versions have that effect on you, really...

PS: Wrote it on one frustrated day in the first or second week of February.  No offense to those who make an effort to take sessions, it's the God damned Tube-lights, see what I mean!?  Even I love taking seminars and sessions so really, no offense... :P

Primate army of the great mythological figure and the Pencil Vs Fountain Pen in the relative lesser gravity of the moon... Now what's the Point?

I was just reading the news about our "Primate army of the great mythological figure that has resurfaced" and that again their leader seems to have a gaping hole in his logic and action.

Earlier a couple of eons back, (According to the Hindu mythological calender) he wanted to check if his wife had slept with this guy - forcefully or not - who had kidnapped her.

This time the Army are behind every girl and guy moral policing.

So back to the point as I was thinking about this I started to analyze the technology options, from what's available and what I am aware of, as to how they would have tested her in the Treta Yug.

1) It is not a simple virginity test.
2) They gotta check the semen sample and see if they match?
3) But not necessarily, semen sample would be available, nor would the Enemy concede for such a test.
4) So they have got a way of testing where they don't need semen samples or genetic proofs.  Hmm...!?

Sounded complicated.

Note:  I almost believe in a different versions (or a similar one here) of God and Mythology (More on it later).


But then it stuck me, hey they just have to check if there had been any recent sexual activity - she's supposed to have been away from her husband for a real long time - just that.  Sounded simple.

Sounded like the Fountain Pen Vs Pencil in the relative lesser gravity of the moon.

I really have no idea what the point of this discussion is! I am sorry.  :(  :P

I feel like some sci-fi movie clone that's in an identity crisis...

Don't you all, all you out there, working for a big brand company (IT industry), probably campus placement, that everybody recognises ur organisation back home but not doing anything unique... Well...

came up with the line (title) wen i wanted to comment on:

Brand Factory

nice blogs he's got there...

Disclaimer: no this is not a promotion, i do not know this guy apart from following his blogs...;P

22 Jan, 2009... onwards...

I am not a person who remembers birth dates of friends and family, not at all a thing to boast I agree, but one dear friend of mine is Durgha Murugesan and her birthday falls on the 22nd January.  I am talking about this day because this date, of the year 2009, happened to be one memorable day of my life, not in a good way I tell you.

The morning felt nice and good.  I, as I used to at that time, reached office early in the morning, around  7.45 AM.  As I walked out of the rest room to my ODC, I realized my dear little mobile, that was just a 2 yr old toddler, was not in its usual cozy cradle, a little side zip in my hand bag. Though I am known for my clumsiness and carelessness, I have lost really valuable possessions only once before, in that case, a pair of floaters from lotto, and that was a theft, nothing much I could do about it you see.

So this came as an unbelievable shock.  I knew these things happen but never really thought it would happen to me.  EVER.  I mean, losing a mobile, is NOT a joke, even though it was always a subject of my friends' joke that I never bought any of those fancy and/or costly mobiles, you see, it was a 2600 Nokia basic phone, an improvement relatively (I used a Nokia 6530 earlier, the blue screen one, an object of sentiment for it was the first mobile phone in my family, my bro used it before me, a service of 5 years, before I Reluctantly replaced it, only when it's battery died, even then after having a huge debate in my head as to whether I should try and fix it but gave up at the end - blame the peer pressure...)

So I thought the day was bad, adding to the uncertainty and mental chaos, for I had been tagged to a new account and was to be interviewed and monitored for a while to be given a roles in a project (basically about to be given work) . As I went here and there around the campus and on the immediate roads off the campus of my company, to try and find my mobile, in vain, trying out various theories and canceling them constantly, I was quite exhausted mentally and of course, you guessed it, UPSET.  Still I tried hard, called up the bus depot, tried to trace the bus and in fact dropped in to the office and inquired, if there was some miraculous way I could retrieve my little one (what was I even thinking, I used to commute by Govt. Transport).

This was followed by my blocking my SIM card and obtaining a Duplicate SIM, no problems here.

But my troubles had just started, I realized soon.  I had to withdraw some 6K for I was going out of town and had some things to settle and some big expenses.  I went to the ICICI ATM, at my office cafeteria (while I had an account with HDFC, not an unusal thing).  As my luck would have it, I only got a receipt for the transaction and a poorer bank account, but NO Cash!  When I saw the money refill guys, whatever they are called, my exhausted mind illusioned me into a moment of joy and relief (refused to let my reason be heard) and led me to them, asking if they could somehow just verify that the money was still there and hence just give it to me, nice and smooth.  SOMEHOW! For I really needed that cash, else why would I choose to take it right there, from a different ATM? (Just across the road, a few meters, I had the HDFC ATM, for you see, the amount of running around and procedures involved in reverting the cash becomes exponentially reduced when it is an intra bank problem than in an inter bank issue). 

And so it began, a series of running around (for about a month or more), not to mention the nice soothing advices I had to hear from the ever caring and ever doting Family, for my carelessness.  Grrr!

This was followed by getting caught dozing in the room where we were supposed to be learning and interacting - after a tummy full of lunch and a sore mind!!!  Oh, ya and the new duplicate that SIM I had got - it wouldn't get activated due to server issues, for the next two weeks when I was away, usually done in less than 24 hours.  HA!

Well well well... So on the 22nd Jan 2010, I thought that once I get to office, I would observe two minutes of silence for my beloved mobile (I took a real long time to get over my sweetheart) and to thank my life for not giving more days from hell, like that one.  A little nag that started two days before "the day"as to what if I lost something this time too, peeked its meek head with a glint of mischief in its eyes, and I shhssd it clutching my mobile tight in my palm. 

But well, I lost my new ear phones, much to the delight of the little phantom and my dismay, in the very same fashion! - Left behind in the bus.  I couldn't believe it.  This time I knew the sequence of events that led to it and cursed myself even worse, for I had been on the improving scale for the past few months when it came to my carelessness.  And that the pair was new! (Oh, did I not mention that I had lost the ones of my new mobile (in the bus!) just about a couple of months back? Looks like this new phone has not found its soul mate earphones - blame the Paulo Coelho books-thoughts in my head, they seem to have influenced my little mobile that interacts a lot with, well, my head)
So after a lot of cursing, muttering, running out of and into, the office, in just a space of 5 minutes, being called back by the boss, I was only grateful that it was not something worse (I was determined that I would not take my laptop to office, for earlier, the little evil phantom in my head kept stealing looks at it when it thought I did not notice, but you see I had noticed, and till that morning acted like I had not and at the last minute - much to its disappointment, left it back at home.  HA! Will fight till death, you little rut...)



So that is the legend of the 22nd January.  Hope it doesn't continue, at least, doesn't worsen... I believe it will not, for you see, I seem to have lost my ear phones and done such careless things even on the other days... :P I shouldn't have added these lines, it actually nullifies the whole object the earlier paragraphs, but couldn't resist... :P

Declaration: I am not suffering from Schizophrenia... :P

the traffic... the panic...

I was standing at the crossroads looking to my right at the approaching vehicles and to my left, the traffic signal, awaiting it to turn red, so that I could cross to the other side of the road along with the few others beside me. But when I looked to my left I had to take a second look at the signal, for it was blank. I was not sure of the technicalities of the working of a traffic signal nor do I ride a two wheeler (my wicked alter ego: “snort nor drive a car of course, you don’t even know to ride a two wheeler apart from a bicycle”) so was not sure if it was normal for it to go blank for a sec or two, for the other pedestrians seemed to be unruffled by this.


I kept looking around. I had a sudden fear that one of two things would eventually happen, either the vehicles open to go, will keep going without realizing and/or the other vehicles would also move, and there would be an accident, a huge traffic jam and at the end of it all, I will either be an accident victim or be stuck up at the spot till all the chaos clears. When all this was running on my mind, I was parallely looking around to check the other signals and found to my further dismay that even they, weren’t working. Now all the funny stupid mocking self that always seems to show up when the mind is presented with a disturbing situation, just to ease out of it probably, suddenly stopped in its track. I was missing something. The traffic was moving all right, there was no chaos and to add to my confusion the vehicle flow in the direction that were on, stopped to let us, the pedestrians, cross as well as the other vehicles move. Now I looked around to check all the traffic signals, they were still blank. After having crossed I paused and looked around. Then I saw, much to the consolation of my reasoning ability, reassuring that I had not slipped into a bizzare dream in a stupor at the signal or even worse slept off standing at the zebra crossing and had had a night mare, there was the traffic cop... ;P


PS:  I know, I know, when you read it, it feels like a long time before I realized what was going on but try putting on the thought stream that flows in your mind in a space of 2 short minutes and see for yourself.  ;P

The Beard, the pale fair skin, the foreign sound to the Hindi...the FEAR...

There enters a man with a slight, grizzly beard and a dull fair skin, slightly colored (that is a very Indian way of saying not the usual black/brown colored) eyes and you instantly recognize the unmistakably Islamic look about him.

He is in formals with his work laptop slung down his shoulder and shiny shoes intact with the regular - office going joey look on. But he is on the phone and is talking in what sounds like a varied form of Hindi or, is it, wait a second now, Urdu/Arabic? Now the nagging something at the back of the minds of the post 26/11 Indian bus crowd starts to manifest into an inexplicable, obviously biased fear. IS HE...?! CUD HE BE ONE OF THEM?! You try to avert your eyes. But you do not succeed in dragging your minds away as you did your eyes. After a lot of determined efforts, you control your mind enough to just let your eyes dart back to him “occasionally” on their way to “spotting/recognizing/processing and transmitting some other visual stimuli to your brain". But the mind goes on. If you are generally not the paranoid kind it starts to lose its fear/seriousness after you have gotten comfortable with the sight of him being “harmlessly” there and it sort of becomes a joke thinking up possibilities of how “he would blow the bus up or you point your finger at the “terrorist-in-the-regular-joey-disguise” and goof up when he turns out to be a normal citizen after all. And then you proceed to laugh at the extremely hilarious Russel Peters joke that ends with the buster line “I am just listening to my instructions” with every minute detail of the expressions he accompanies the line with that adds a whole new dimension of laughter to it.

Hmm... Weird mind and its weird jokes... And oh ya, the weird and hilarious Russel Peters... ;P

PS:  I am completely aware of the fact that not many people reading this blog might agree with the line of thoughts described here but well I just had to imagine... Please no offense, my islamic/pro islamic friends.  I am not "Islamo-phobic".  I was in fact educated in a Islamic institution and am very grateful to the community for the awesome food they provided me with then and the great set of friends not just in that school but otherwise too who I am still in contact with.  This is merely a sarcastic note to all those people I have met who seem to be completely biased and even sometimes violently irrational when they need to judge a person especially when it comes to islam.

Note:  Guys I wrote this one like ages back - of course post 26/11 would have conveyed it - but was just clearing up my blogs and saw this one was still a draft.  Then said y not?  

A few lines I wrote when I thought what would I say when I actually meet... May be this, may be not...

When I thought my life had drained out
       When I felt like a saint in an emotional turmoil

When I thought I had lost my last chance
       When I felt like a lost wanderer

I found you...

When I resigned to the fact that I'm alone
       When I had finally settled (for a) into a single skin

When I reserved my romances aside
       When I had decided to give up trying

I found you...

When I thought I'm probably better off on my own
       When I felt like I'm better when left alone

When I wished the world away
       When I drowned my soul in the shadow of my self

I found you...

When I had found the courage to run the road all alone
       When I had got around the idea of me, myself for eternity

When I convinced my heart to confide in none
       When I talked my tears into giving in to gravity (read: not expecting to be caught...)

I found you...

The bridge, the cliff and the gorge...

I was scared too... there was the cliff in front of me...  A narrow gorge...
A slender pane of wooden bridge connecting the two...
The depth below was appalling
I had to walk there without any support or railing...
I was standing there and looking at it with all my concentration trying to swallow my alto phobia and vertigo...
There was a rush and enthusiasm which was helping me, for I knew I had traveled far and wide to get here.
A journey no less taxing than the one I am faced with, may be even more...
There was the land I had wanted to reach, stretching vast, just across the cliff... My destination and may be even destiny, I hoped... For if it was the latter I am sure I would reach it, no matter what I believed...
But then, the crowd behind me were catcalling and jeering...
In the hopes of making me stay back, and not take this risk, they could not afford to lose me... The irony of it, for the means they were employing were not good, not good at all...
I had to take a deep breath... Before going on... But in all that stillness and silence, I could hear their taunts clearly...
The land across is foreign, ur mission inappropriate for a person of your potential, you would never succeed in accomplishing it, let alone crossing the bridge...
You don't even have a walking stick to balance you just in case, let alone a railing on the bridge...

That made me pause... The words were slowly trickling in, percolating into the gaps called self doubt in my made up mind...
I started to have second thoughts... Damn, I thought...
I should have bought a stick on my way here, like all those people who did...

Slowly I looked at them... They were threatening, pleading, staring, but always keeping a distance... But I was blind then, blind to have noted that distance, that give away... I could have done it... Damn those little gaps...

Now, I have turned back and traveled far... Traveled parallel to that cliff... I still see it... There are so many such bridges here and there... Waiting for me to take it one day... Still I have not bought myself a walking stick... But I know, it doesn't matter... I could have done it without it...

May be one day... May be not...

Incomplete - 7

I like the sun on me...
I like the drizzle of the rain on my face...
I like the breeze on my hair...
I like the warm of the fire...

I like the pale of the moon light...
I like the shade of a lonely tree...
I like the chill of the ground i squat on...
I like the still of the sand and earth...