This pure puzzle of a relationship...

Yes, you have got a girl that owns your heart
     and I've got the guy of my life...
But the truth is my friend, we share something special that some tend-
     to think something else, they all misunderstand...

We both know where our hearts lie,
     and so do those who own them...
But the world is spiteful and is bent
     on insisting, damn it, offense...

There is something so pure, so magical and fun...
     There's the mutual respect that you always speak about...
and yes, a bit of a harmless chemistry...
     We are just so comfortable this way...
A little mischief and a twinkling wink...
But no betrayal of our better halves
     Nothing replaces them in our lives...

Yes, we liked each other that way once...
     Yes, there was a connection that I guess still runs...
But things got different and we have come past that stage...
     and so now we can safely flirt and shrug it all away with laughter...

We don't care if the world misunderstands,
    It's all about  our respective partner's stance...
Hope they stay the way they are, clear and cool...
    and let us be what we are, friends, and some fun...

There is nothing wrong, no crossing the line,
    Just play of words and laughing it all off...
There is very little time, with each other, we spend...
    and it is such a pain to constantly fend...

So here's wishing to the stars
    and hoping in our hearts,
Let us be in this pure puzzle of a relationship
    No need to explain, not good when described - which
we both know, is beautiful...
and want the important two in our lives to know... to trust...

Am not leaving u, unless tat's wat u really want...

If tat is wat u really want I'll let u go...babey
But only if tat is wat u really want...

U gotta tell me tat face to face...
I know its difficult but do it, else am not lving u...

there's always the benefit of a doubt u c...
don wan it to be all coz of me...

I don wan this to end... o babey...
I wan it al,l even more, till the end...

so if tat is wat u really want i'll let u go... babey
But only if tat is wat u really wan...

u gotta make me believe that this is all over,
for every time u look into my eyes, I still get bowled over...

u gotta shake me out of this love babey,
for i am falling deeper and deeper into ur gravity...

and tat is y I insist, u gotta tell me tat face to face...
I know its difficult but do it else am not lving u...

I dunno wat went wrong and where ur faith's gone
for i always thought, to each other, we so belong...

I donot understand all this negativity that has come to be
Oh! look at me, we are still the same, one body, the other soul...

Wat has ruined the love we shared, oh trust me, nothing's gone bad...
We can still mend, time on it we can spend...
            please don pretend u don feel our hrts beating together even now, it's telling u not to do this...

but lemme tell u something, unless u tell me tat on my face am not leaving u...
unless tat is wat u really want, and u temme tat face to face
and even in tat case, u know, babey, am not believing u...
so I willl never leave you...  unless tat is wat u really wan...
Don ask me how to prove... Trust me, I wud know if tat was so...

Incomplete - 6

We just don't matter, do we?
Like those tiny little flecks of dust settling on a table...
But no no wait, even they, they would bother someone enough to clean it up...
But WE, we just don matter at all...

We just don't matter, do we?
Like those invisible atomic particles making up the atoms that make every cell of our body to make us...
But no no wait, they matter enough to be what they are and change as they do to let us be us...
But WE, we just don't matter at all...

We just don't matter, do we?
Oh ya we do... To do all your grubby little jobs and clean your desktops...
Oh ya we do...

Why?

Why do I keep doing this... ?
Why do I keep falling for one.... after another....
I cant seem to be able to contain...
There is a wonderful energy...
A sizzling chemistry...
Oh but every time... but every time...

Why do I keep doing this... ?
Why do I keep falling for one.... after another....

They are all so beautiful... Every one...
They are all so charming... Every one of them...
I couldn't stop myself from staring...
I couldn't stop myself from talking...
I couldn't refrain from falling... head over heels...
Oh but every time... but every time...

The truth is I am scared...
the truth is I am scared of hurting them and even hurting myself...
Should I go on, with them or go on... on my own...
Should I go right or left...

I keep looking for support... Snuggling into the warmth...
The warmth of assurances...the sympathy and the empathy...

Why do I keep doing this... ?
Why do I keep falling for one.... after another....




PS:  Let's just say, there was a Mr. Y, another friend, and this poem reflects, his state of mind about a month back...

Like a broken man...

Like a broken man, u r dwelling in ur past...
revelling in wat u were... and hating wat u r…
like an old man showing his foto to his grandchildren n saying "look how young I was"
and the smile tat spreads on his face wen his grandchildren say
"oh grand D, u were so smart"....
tats wat u r doing a role play, ur soul and its twin part...

Like a broken man, dwelling in ur past...
Killing urself softly, hurting urself and suffering the searing pain...
will this take back wat I did, will this make up for my mistakes...
melting hot iron and trying to fill the holes in ur soul...

Like a broken man, dwelling in ur past...
revelling in wat u wer... and hating wat u r…
walking with a hunched back…
unable to bear the ignominious weight of ur sins…
too proud to look into the eyes of others, for if u walk tall and bold u know u wud c the blame
ur alter ego smacking its lips at the taste of the blood u spilt…

Like a broken man, dwelling in ur past,
Trying to lose urself in persecution,
Trying to swallow it all down ur throat…
Struggling to forgive urself,
Yearning for the peace it wud give, if u wer able to…

But Alas, ur conscience is having a ball of a time, having so much to pick at and prick…
And to avopid all this,
U live like a broken man, dwelling in ur past…
Reveling in wat u wer… and hating wat u r…


PS: Wrote it for the Mr.X, a friend I mentioned in Shared sin... To make him realize what he has become so that he changes for the better... I am happy to say it worked, I am so obsessed with myself to say only because of my words, but it did contribute a bit towards his getting better...

Shared Sin

I have sinned... but she did her share too...
I are ashamed and guilty and sulking in self persecution...
well she is too... at least I assume so...

do I have to live anymore... for I have done this to her... the very soul I loved or still love?!
am I worthy of life even now... for I have hurt the very being I wanted to protect all my life...
do I have to live with this self, this cruel soul for I have injured the fragile creature I wanted to own...
for I have made that creature realize that it is just not so... for I have made it see its other side, for it is also a creature like me...

have I got the guts to face it and survive... this gashing bleeding wound I have caused to both of us...?!
have I got the sense to see things clear and move on... have I got enough sanity left within me to appreciate the ones that have stuck around..
am I insane enough to not heed the practicality they suggest I live in...?!

I have sinned... but has she not too???

PS: I wrote it for a friend, from college, who was suffering an unrequited love... But he thinks that she did love him but now is not ready to accept it... I am sorry, friend, I hope I haven't given out more details than you like...

  

Incomplete - 5

as dead as death can ever get,
the lazy day lays wimp...
I struggle to stay alive
in this death of time...

the soulless, lifeless zombie of moments, walk dazed..
and I watch everyone of them,
idling on this dullness, no tune, no rhyme...
my eyes open, not keen on any, but taking it all in...

as dead as death can ever get
the lazy day lays wimp...

A tribute to the woman...

She was her world for fourteen years; the precious first fourteen years of life.   Then there was the man and the boy, who came in and went out of it sometimes.  She admired her, adored her, cherished her….. Loved her…  It was all returned with an equal or stronger intensity.  That’s what made it all special, filled her world with dreams, hopes, fantasies…………….. with life.  Even the man and the boy were not aware of the special bond.  They all thought it was normal for the relationship.  But how wrong they were….!!  It was something very beautiful.  They, the girl and the woman, transformed together into the childhood of one and the womanhood of the other.  They were friends one minute and the next, they were a teacher-mentor pair.  They danced together, sang together, played together, laughed together and cried together.   The woman told her stories of her own childhood.  The woman told her things she had not shared with anyone else.  The woman told her that she lived only for her-the girl.  She always said that.  She almost said that everyday, whenever they were together.    The girl never understood why she says that but she felt happy, sad and important, all at once.
It was all lovely……and more.  She saw the world in a view that covered only whatever happened to the woman.  That’s all she knew to do.  She hated the people who hated the woman, and she loved the people who loved the woman.  It was simple for her.  She saw what the woman went through.  She could not do anything about it.  Since she did not understand that, she fought for the woman bravely, every time.  She did not stop even when she got hurt in the process.  For this, the woman loved her even more, and the girl fought harder, the next time.  The girl acted a woman and took care of the woman, soothed her with her songs and kisses and the woman melted into a child, in the child’s arms.  Ah….She would never forget that…..
 Then there was the boy.  She used to love him too, though not as much as she did the woman.  This was different.   They used to play together often and she used to enjoy those times with him very much.  He was nice to her.  Though he used to play his pranks on her and make her cry, he was nice to her in his own way.  May be they were friends.  But no, he was older than her, and he did not treat her as he did his other friends.  No it was not friendship.  The “names of their relationship”- the terms of the world of adults - do not matter to the young hearts.  They just know to like, dislike, befriend or avoid someone.   So she loved him in her own way.  She used to fight for him too.  And he used to be very protective about her.  She knew that her childhood was a weapon she could use for their defense and she did that, at every opportunity, to help the woman and the boy, as much as she could.  It worked mostly, and she was happy she could offer something.  She started respecting the boy, loving him, as days went by and she saw more of that life.  She felt inferior to him.  She wanted to become like him.  He became her role model.
The man was an entirely different story.  The girl still doesn’t know if she loved him or not in those days.  He was more in the outer circle than the boy.  The man used to adore her, love her.  She did too but not always.  It depended on how the woman felt about the man at that time.   She felt guilty about it when the man told her that she was very precious to him.  She liked him very much, but for the times he was not nice to the woman.  She looked forward to his stories at bedtime.  She loved to swing on his outstretched arms holding a wall.  She felt very happy when she almost flew with his bike, sitting in front of him on her way to school. She loved to listen to him, sing his own songs for her, learned them and sang for him proudly, whenever he was in the mood to listen to her.  She squealed with joy when he tickled her little face with his beard and she slept peacefully lying on his back listening to his stories.  Oh… he was adorable….. but for those other times, when he was not….. 
Her world was made of the woman, with these people in the background.  Now, she barely remembers the rush in the mornings and the lovely Sunday-lunches they had together.   The woman is all she can recall.  There were times, when she was afraid of the woman too, but that was all out of the extraordinary love they shared.  She wanted to please her in every possible way.  She was scared she won’t meet the woman's expectations.  She even fainted when the woman scolded her for the first time because she felt guilty that she had disappointed the woman and was afraid that she might lose her love.  She always wanted to be the most important thing in the woman’s life.  She was very protective of the woman.  She defended her in every possible way.  She did not care who it was she was confronting or how they felt about it.  It was all about the woman.   She had gotten used to the “basking in the undivided (or at least, as she assumed, a special) attention of the woman” that she was very proud of.  She used to feel happy when she used to be visited by her every weekend in those eventful two years that all four of them lived separately.  She hated the man for letting this happen to them.  She did not like his visits.  She never spoke to him at that time though she could see his face blossoming at the sight of her.  She secretly felt guilty too.  She never understood him at that time.  She still doesn’t understand.  Those memories are rooted too deep in her heart for her to forget and she was way too small then, to understand whatever was happening.  After all this happened, she never expected the woman to actually talk to the man ever again.  After all, according to her, it was he who was responsible for whatever happened to them.  So she never understood when the woman started paying more attention to the man after they all got back together.  The boy was still living separately.  She got angry when the boy tried explaining to her that the man was not solely responsible.  “How dare he even hint that the woman had a role to play in whatever happened?!!  Even he loves her doesn’t he?”  As she saw the woman tend to the man more and more, she became upset more and more, but never so openly.  She never asked the woman about it.  Then, the fateful last few days with the woman were even worse.  She never understood why the woman would want to spend her last few conscious moments with the man rather than her, the girl.  Had she not always told the girl that she lived only for her?  Had she not loved the girl more than anyone else in the world?  Had the girl not been the one who fought for the woman?  How can the woman do this to her?  Then she hated herself for such questions.  May be the woman had a reason.  She always did.  She obviously loved her-the girl, more than anyone else in the world.  Everyone knew that.  SHE knew that.  The woman would have asked the man to take care of her.  That’s what she would have been talking to him about.  Obviously, she wanted her to be happy.  That’s what it would have been.  Or was it?
Now it’s been 7 and half years.  She has forgotten the woman’s voice and is able to recall her face only from her pictures.  She used to have a cassette tape that had her voice recorded accidentally, that she discovered in some pile of waste and had guarded it safely for a long time.  Now she doesn’t remember where she kept it.  It has become less important though even now she would like to hear her voice.  She still bears some fond memories, their tickle games, and their dancing and singing together, very few they were.  There are also some vivid ones that she doesn’t want to remember.  She had the habit of writing to the woman, letters that would never reach the addressee, whenever she was upset or wanted to talk about something very personal.  O, wasn’t the woman her best friend after all.  But now the frequency of the letters has come down.  Well, lots have changed.  The man has become old.  The girl and the man are sharing a good relationship she never imagined she would, even in the wildest dreams of her early childhood.  But still shades of gray come over their relationship, the shadow of her dark memories of him, when they have, even the smallest of misunderstandings.  Then she paints it with colors of maturity and understanding and love, oh how weird!  The boy has become a man now.  The girl herself is a young lady.  She has even come to terms with;  1) the fact that the woman also had a role to play in whatever happened, 2) the woman having not spent her last few conscious moments with her but the man instead, and well, a score of other things she had not earlier.  But one thing has not changed.  Still the bond has not worn out, she’s still defensive about the woman, and the man and the boy still do not know about the special bond the woman and the girl had shared.  They haven’t realized.  They would never understand.  So she doesn’t try to explain.  May be it is too special to be understood by others.  Actually, just the first eight years of her life should be considered the best till now, when all of them were really 'together'.  She doesn’t remember much from those years but the thought of all of them having been together is what makes it good…..the warmth of that imagination - no not a memory, she doesn’t remember - the imagination fed by the pictures she has seen….  Her first eight years.  But the first fourteen is what would be apt to be called precious, because that carries her whole treasure of the woman with her………….. Those precious first fourteen years of life…….




 PS: I wrote it about a couple of years back... For those who do not understand, I am sorry I cannot explain anything more for I took great care in writing it the way it has been... I did not want to blog but something today just made me take it out from the pile of mails in my mailbox and put it up here... Well, thanks for stopping by and reading is all I can say...

Stranger in My Native Land...

Stranger in my native land...
Alien to the society that forms most of my country...
Scared among my own sibblings...
  -  To live and let live...

Am I a native, Am I foreign?


I wear strange clothes...
I speak a different tongue...
I live a different life...
I am completely different

To those people whose sweat mixes in my soil...
To the people that plough on, their lives on it...
To the people that float on its floods...
To the people that survive its drought...
To the people that starve in its famine...
To the people that struggle to be...
To the people that are - my country...


I am kind if I give them a seat...
I am generous if I share my food with them...
I am down to earth if I exchange niceties...
I am envied for what I am...

                       A foreigner in my own land...

I am pretty if I don't share their skin tone...
I am progressive if I defy their traditions...
I am independent if I am selfish about my dreams,
          which I build on their support and exclude any credit to them...
I am looked up to - if I am foreign...

I am  frightened to mingle with them...
I depise this struggle for life...
I pity their state of affairs...
I am disgusted at their very standard of life...
But Oh!, I am gentle when I "tolerate" it all for a while...



I pride in rattling along in their compartment
I find adventure in brushing shoulders with people like that....

Yes I am a national... But yes, I am foreign...

உன்னுடன் தோள்கள் உறசி உரையாடுவதில் பெருமை கொள்கிறேன்...
                                                  நான் எவ்வளவு பாகுபாடின்றி பழகுகிறேன்...
என் போல் ஒரு நிலையுள்ளவள் உன்னுடன் பழகுவதில்
                                    நீ வெகுளியாய் பெருமையில் புன்னைகைக்கிறாய்...
அந்தப் புன்னகை எனக்கு உண்மை உணர்த்தியது, நீ என் மண்ணின் மைந்தன்...
நான் வேற்று மண்ணிற்க்கு அடிமை...!!!
இதுவே இன்று எந்நாட்டின் இளைஞர் நிலை...


PS: Wrote it when returning to Bangalore from Hubli after a friend's wedding, on a Fast Passenger shuttle train between the two, courtesy a very thoughtful friend of mine.

There were throngs of people on the Reservation compartments (too!) that traveled clinging to each other and finding seats wherever possible for their two hour ride to a near by town.  The TTR, conveniently for them, checks performs his duty only after their station.  When asked about this, they said that they had tried all means from peaceful (bureaucratic) application processes to rallies and rages.  Nothing worked.  We did not get a chance to ask the TTR about this.  We concluded through "intelligent" discussions among the "literate" reservation passengers that it was probably not as simple as adding a couple more of 'unreserved' compartments, for may be after that station there might not be many 'unreserved' passengers taking the train.  Well, we were quite scared for our belongings and in one of those local stations when we could hear scuffles and a mob of people trying to solve some issue between a couple of guys, we were scared for our own safety too.  And then, naturally, one of us said, "enjoy the adventure, it's ok, when will we get to do something like this again"... The thrill of it gave me a jolt to reality... *SIGH*

It was watching from above...

It was watching from above, zooming, into that form of transportation that was one of the most common, on the most common medium used there.  It knew all the terms, details and science behind them all.  But fascination never stopped with knowledge, only increased...!

It was sitting idly watching all of those creatures in that "Bus", as it knew, that form of transportation was known, in that planet called "Earth".  It watched their "busy lives", as it knew it was, though much much slower than the pace of its own planet.  Watched those creatures that called themselves "Humans/Homosapiens", a term, it knew, according to the practices of the planet, were chosen by the "Scientists" of "Earth", as their group of "intellectuals" were known there.  It was watching them all, going about their business, in their own "thoughts", as it knew their cognitive states were mostly called, so lost in them, that they did not really notice the rise and fall of their chests in a slow rhythm with each other, that it could now see from above... It was simply watching...

From high above it was all tranquil, for it had induced its voluntary filter of its accoustics and any enhancements equipments needed, leaving only the video enhancement goggles on, and was simply watching... It knew, they "Humans" were heading in the direction, its ancestors once did... It knew one day, they will realize the "Ultimate Truth" in their own way, but very similar to how it dawned on its ancestors, a few (thousand earth) years ago...

Incomplete - 4

In an innocent rope lying somewhere...
In the glint of a blade in light...
In the p(r)ick of words reminding a needle...
             I taste thee, the temptation to die...

A rhyme or jingle?!!

still blue...

a sad hue

donno wat to do

no no ... no clue

a dull view

all rue

don know who to sue

life's a long queue

sometime's u have to subdue

for u have to pay ur due

wait now

i gotta go to the loo ;P

bk to take it from the cue

ma handwriting, pls don mind, is a wretched skew

oh don put on a face like u've got the flu

now lets be happy for a while and mew

la la lallalla

la la lallalla

la la lallalla

la la laa lal laa lal laa

phew!!!

PS: lol.... just wrote it wen I asked a frnd "still blue?"... ;P ;P  I know its silly but tht is the point, isn't it? ;P

And if anyone's interested you could clarify ma doubt xpressed in the title... :) I donno how one can mew a la la la... well it rhymes... :) ;)

நான் உன்னைக் கொண்டேன்... I take to you...

கடல் காற்றைக்  கொள்வது போல், நான் உன்னைக் கொண்டேன்...
அலையாய் எழ, உன்னைத் தழுவி என்னுள் விழ...

Like the sea takes to the wind, I take to you...
To raise as waves, to embrace you and fall, back into me...

மணல் நீரைக் கொள்வது போல், நான்  உன்னைக் கொண்டேன்...
பண்பட, பருவப்பட,  உன்னைத் தழுவி உருதியடைந்திட...

Like the sand takes to water, I take to you...
To harden, mature, to embrace you and strengthen...

வானம் வண்ணம் கொள்வது போல், நான்  உன்னைக் கொண்டேன்...
நீ என்னில் படர்ந்திட,  உன்னைத் தழுவி, நான் உன்னில் கரைந்திட (நான் நீயாய் மாறிட/ உனக்கொரு ஊடகமாய் அமைந்திட)...

Like the sky takes to colours, I take to you...
For you to disperse in me, to embrace you, to become your medium for you to show...

தீக் காற்றைக் கொள்வது போல்,  நான்  உன்னைக் கொண்டேன்...
சுகமாய் எரிந்திட,  உன்னைத் தழுவி, நான் என்னை அழித்திட...

Like the fire takes to the air, I take to you...
To burn warmly, to embrace you and be destroyed...

மண் மழையைக் கொள்வது போல், நான்  உன்னைக் கொண்டேன்...
உன்னை என்னுள் பருகிட, உன்னைத் தழுவி, நான் உயிர்த்திட, உயிர் கொடுத்திட...

Like the earth takes to the rain, I take to you...
To drink you into me, to embrace you and come alive, to give life...

மனம் எண்ணம் கொள்வதுப் போல், நான்  உன்னைக் கொண்டேன்...
நீ என்னுள் இருப்பதாலே, நான் என்னை உணர்ந்திட, என்னுள்ளிருந்து நீ என்னை அரித்திட (அறித்திட)...

Like the mind takes to thoughts, I take to you...
For you are in me, I realize myself, Eroding, Itching me from within...

உடல் சுவாசம் கொள்வதுப் போல், நான்  உன்னைக் கொண்டேன்...
நீ என்னுள் கரைந்திட, உன்னைத் தழுவி, நான் உயிர்த் தாங்கிட, (நடத்திட)...
                                                                                             நீ இன்றி, நான் மடிந்திட...

Like the body takes to breathing (respiration), I take to you...
For you to dissolve in me... To embrace you and come to life... For without you, I die, I will not 'be'...

PS: Inspiration as I always say, is such a weird thing.  I was On the run again today morning and sat by a window and let the strong wind make my hair go wild.  As I did this, I was reminded of how crazy one of my closest friends was about "wind" ... And she being a cancerian, a water sign, loves the "wind"... that is how the first two lines come out and I stopped with the translation for it... But you know how it works... Sometimes it just goes on and on and I was furiously scribbling in a notebook in the bus that was giving me a good fight to keep my balance and write... With all these words buzzing I couldn't care about the inconvenience of the bus nor the few stares I was getting.  Early morning, with my hair all wild, furiously scribbling in a notebook... Don't blame them... :)

Someday... Not far away...

I live like a hopeful spinster...
Looking forward to that true love...

Someday... May be I'll find it...
Somewhere on my way to life...
Someday... Not far away...

Not that I am too old yet...
Nor too bad at heart not to be loved...

But yes, old, for I was smitten by love from very young...
Yes, not too good at heart for I have not accommodated love from anyone till now...

So... Here I live like a hopeful spinster...
Looking forward to that true love...

Someday... Not far away...

Crazy...?!

Situations:

1) A girl was traveling alone in a bus, looking at her palm and smiling to herself or laughing out...

2) A man was whispering about to himself among the crowd in a busy street...

3) A sudden loud beeping in a crowded bus stop... Everyone starts looking among their own things...

4) A lady drops something valuable from her bag by mistake and still without a care in the world goes and picks it up and walks off....


Reactions and Conclusions :

About twenty yrs ago:

1) The girl is crazy and people stare at her or think she is in love and still stare at her...

2) The man is bound to be crazy, no other option and people keep their distance...

3) There is a bomb scare...

4) She must be careless, irresponsible, probably filthy rich etc etc...

Now:

1) Nobody bothers to stare... They simply check out her fone if at all too curious...

2) They don even bother to look, everybody's talking with their earphones on, which are becoming more and more invisible.

3) All of them are checking their phones...

4) She must be having a sturdy Nokia phone...

Just a few sample imaginary situations pertaining to mobile phone usage... I'm sure there are a lot of such things if we think about it...

Like I care...!

I don really care what you think of me...
I know I am a bit queer...
but it feels so good (OR for the excitement's so sheer)
that I have no fear...

I know I am a bit weird,
For the background in which I was reared...
I give it to you yes, its true,
But sorry, I really don't care what you think of me...

I love it so much in here
I feel like I belong...
Never have I felt so before,
Relieved, finally swept ashore...

I know am a bit weird...

I feel it in the air,
and the urge is hard to resist,
the minute I see you frown,
I wanna do it even more...

I close my eyes a second,
take it all in my head...
My heart feels lighter then
And I do it more and worse (read: better)...

I know am a bit weird...

I lose myself in your hatred...
For I ploughed on in life earlier,
struggling to keep up with you and be true to myself too
No, it did not work that way... I couldn't handle both...

No its not done, I said to myself...
And then I came to the crossroads, took this path I'm on...
Took your silent curses and whispers of blame...
I can take it all no problem,
For the look of envy in your eyes gives the strength...

And that is why I laugh, shrug and walk on...
Give you a wink and a smirk, I can yes go on...

I know I am a bit too weird...
I know I am a bit too queer...
Ha ha ha ha ha...
La la lallalla.....


PS: For the background in which I was reared... ::: Like a sheep or something, lol

and I have a doubt, if someone can help, wud b gr8... Is what you think OF me used in the same sense as What u think ABOUT me, as in, an opinion? Is it correct?

A bit of Science (Fiction?!)... :) :)

Well, I was looking out the window of the BMTC bus I had boarded in the morning... just for say 5 mins or so... taking a break from reading this really interesting book, "Next" by Michael Crichton (interesting till now, only 150 pages into it, can’t really conclude, so hope it turns out to be a good one till the end)... The book had refreshed my genetics interest & knowledge and I was feeling very happy with myself that I was able to recall the terms and concepts used/discussed in there.

So, as I was looking out the window, the bus passing various bus stops on the way, I saw so many youngsters, all between 20 to 35 yrs of age... Every one of them somehow had the signature stamped on them, “IT industry” (no they were not all wearing their ID's out, so please don’t try to act smart now... :)).

Why? I was wondering if it was because I belonged to the same community, that I probability had that antenna that can detect my kin, or has it actually become like a phenotypic, a morphologically identifiable trait... (ya ya showing off, lol, after all, reading a Michael Crichton book after a long time :P)... But according to strict definitions of morphological trait, it should only be a "physical appearance", which is not always the case; it is not just the appearance. So let me resort to using “Phenotype” here, ‘coz there are also "Behavioral phenotypes" not exactly a term, only meaning phenotype may also include behavior....

So is it like a Cultural Evolution, has it happened? Wait let me pause here to explain what I mean by that term…

I was once very interested in Cultural Evolution studies... There have been questions and I have not really been able to keep track of all the new developments in this field, considering it was a relatively recent interest and that is when I took the other road, choosing to leave all these interests behind. Well let’s not get into that one right now... So ya, by cultural evolution here, I refer to the ideas and theories, that suggest/discuss/research that, Culture may also be a part of the Evolution, in the sense, genetic speciation may not be the only way.

–---------- For the benefit of those who do not really know Evolution or Genetic Speciation much –-----------

Evolution is the process by which organisms try to adapt, change subtly, increasingly over time, to suit their environment, to be able to use it to their advantage, so that they can become one of the fittest and hence survive. Now this change that is initially behavioral / functional when found advantageous is passed on down generations by means of genetic inheritance. How this behavioral change becomes genetically incorporated is another interesting question and I would love to talk about it in another entry. So basically through genetics, changes are effected and not all individuals of the same species react to a situation or atmospheric demand the same way. So these different responses, becoming genetic, over a period of accumulated and repeated incorporation, lead to phenotypically and genotypically different group of individuals forming an altogether different species from the one it actually started changing.

This process is called speciation and in essence a genetic process, or to put it more bluntly, the scientific community has believed and come to accept that speciation in general is or should be genetic, meaning, if there was not enough or substantial genetic difference in enough number of individuals (a derivative really for if there are not enough numbers then it would mean it was not advantageous and would not have propagated to sustain/retain the difference; the no is also variable depending on the atmospheric demands. Organisms in an island etc), no group of individual animals of one parent species be accepted as a different species.

____________________________________________________________________________________

So now, all the different ethnics groups, might actually be different species, Culture being a different manifestation of Evolution, taking a different form, may be even a higher form, to maintain balance. Come to think of it, in fact, people with different type of character sets may even be, say subspecies… This is keeping to the context of Humans for if we try to apply it to other organisms, then it would go to very exciting and fun possibilities but for want of a shorter blog and not too much boredom for those who are reading I’ll keep it to the Homo Sapiens context. May be another blog on that other possibilities some other time. So, yes, culture and behavior, could they be different form of evolution? I have pondered over this a lot… Is this the next step…? The next form, or the next dimension Evolution is taking? Speciation, not just through genetic differences, but behavioral, psychological, even intellectual ones may be… We could go on imagining and speculating. To verify these, there has sprung a field of science that researches on very similar ideas. That researches on Cultural Evolution.

Now just to lend more substance and fun to my theory I am going to include one of my other interests, the Mythology – Science link. That way, I feel, there is a connection or basis or let us just say a similarity between one of the concepts (?!) in the Hindu mythology and the Ethnicity species/subspecies theory.

Let me refer to Hindu mythology, or should I rather say, the mythologies of the Sanathana Dharma for am sure these stories are prevelant in the other branches of Sanathana Dharma just as well as Hinduism. So, there were supposed to have been seven different Rishi and Rishi Patni couple, from who the whole of the population of humans on the earth came to be… Now, the interesting bit is, research on lineage conducted through Mitochondrial DNA analysis says that at the very root of the population, there were seven different Mitochondrial DNA set.

_____________ Mitochondrial DNA????!!!@@##$%%^&* ______________

In every cell in our body there are functional regions called organelles that have their own specific functions. Mitochondrion and Nucleus (Plurals: Mitochondria and Nuclei respectively) are two such organelles. Mitochondrion takes care of producing and supplying energy while Nucleus houses the DNA and all the activities related to that. But strangely, may be wisely though we do not know who or what should be credited for this wisdom, there is not just one DNA set available in our cells. Apart from the Nucleus, even the Mitochondrion has its own bundle of DNA that is just a bit different between from the Nuclear DNA.

Now when an offspring is formed, the mother provides with the egg cell and the father provides with the sperm each having one set of genome (23 chromosomes. An adult thus has 46 chromosomes of a 23 pair set). Of these one pair determines the sex of the child, XX being female and XY being male. All this happens only with the nuclear DNA (nDNA). The mitochondrial DNA (mtDNA) is simply passed on from the Mother to the offspring. Hence, the mtDNA mutates very fast but is always traceable throught the mothers and hence there is something called Matrilineage in population genetics and geneaology.

_________________________________________________________________________________

So this research concluded there were seven distinct women, mtDNAs, that came out of the “One mother of all, believed to be some good old lady from Africa who lived about thousands and thousands of years ago”. This research I guess was majorly conducted on European people, not really sure. If interested check out “Seven Daughters of Eve”, a book written by the guy who did this research years ago.

But the irony of it I realized when I was researching for this blog, that bringing mtDNA in, I have only talked about genetic evolution and not cultural…. ;P But the fact is that it is all intertwined and this forms the basis for our cultural evolution too. So what if really we were all different species and subspecies milling about on the face of earth without even realizing that evolution has taken a different form and we are not the same. Think about what will happen if IT, Biotechnology, Engineering, Business and Management to name a few are continued for ages to come and it actually becomes a trait, a gentic difference. Or what if the not only the form/means of evolution but even the pace of evolution has changed and it is not ages far away but actually quite near, the day when you and your neighbor might be of different species. I read a line somewhere, ah, yes in NEXT, “the world is heading to a stage where you do not know if the people at a dinner table are of the same species”. This was written in a different context, Transgenic species, but still holds just fine for the context we are discussing too.

Just the imagination of this keeps you amazed and wondering…. WOW…


So as I was saying, looking out of the window, all these things running in my mind, I saw them all there, the IT crowd, among various people of other industry too, like students, school, college and Govt. employees. One realizes that may be it is true for nowadays you can simply say who is a who, at least at these general categories. I know that one’s ability to gauge a person based on “personal experience, maturity, fashion etc” should not be confused with a “Phenotype”. But just an interesting thought. I was jolted back to reality when a cute girl came and sat beside me. I was sure she was an IT employee, no, no card. No standard laptop bags or any such give always, and sure enough she got down and went into one of the reputed IT company premises, juggling the contents of her bag and finally digging out her ID tag.  

refer: http://pinker.wjh.harvard.edu/ Steven Pinker is one of the prominent people working on cultural evolution and his books, even I have them on my "to be read" list, are supposed to be good. Check them out if interested and of course many such others are there... Well, google is god, pray and u'll be answeres... ;)

Another one on the moon and love and lonliness... Well, u can never resist innit? Everytiome... :)

I donno how the moon looks in ur sky...
But oh babey, its so beautiful here tonight...

Not too small a crescent to go unnoticed...
Not too big, but light, golden and just about right...

For the romantic hearts and the living souls...
For all with eyes and the interest to admire...
For all those blind but well, the description they can hear...

I donno how the moon looks in ur sky...
But oh babey, its so beautiful here tonight...

Longing, for all those who are lonely, soars right up above the roof,
For the moon brings the memories and yearnings in a full whoof...

Let there be love and lust and desire in the air...
Let us bow to the nature and its magic...

I am an enchanted soul, entrapped in the music of it all...
in the beautiful golden crescent, and a single star...

I dunno how the moon looks in ur sky...
But oh babey, its so beautiful here tonight...

the closeness, the nearness, the frustration of not being able to do anything about it...

The feel of a bead of sweat running through my back...
The touch of u, brushing my flesh, from all sides...
The hot breath of u on my face, not too close but I can feel it anyway...
The smell of ur sweat from the heat, all over me...

I am entangled, we are pressed against each other...
There is no way in, now that there is no way out...
A torture, we have to go through together...

We do it almost everyday, but still we haven't got used to this...
The frustration of this closeness, gets on our nerves no doubt...
We fret and look at each other, too aware of all this nearness...
Conscious of ourselves...
Well, there is nothing we can do about it, is there?
Helpless and lame, we stand there, on and on...

For babey, we are on a bus to work, me, along with, 'u' the crowd.....

Victory of Good Over Evil... yes, tat was the topic given to us for the creative writing competition held during the Utsav, a diwali celebration, at our company today...

there was the dark, the evil, the cruel that every1 hated...
and there was the light, the fair and the just, all appreciated...

darkness billowed... and silence ensued...
the fiery eyes scorched the crowd...
the cruel tongue and the menacing force scared the wits out of everyone below...
the creature of awe and strength, fought to regain its rein and reign...
the power exhumed with every movement, the others watched with bated breath...

now it was the turn of the fair and the just, to slaughter and kill the rotten evil...
for everyone around was shouting for blood, the evil blood of the satan, the rot...
now was the turn, the long awaited, to take over and rule the welcoming herd...
now was the moment, a time stop show, in the ever iterating history of life...

yes! A moment that has been repeated too many times in this biased world...
the one that favors the light and the fair, over the dark...
no one remembered who decided the good - evil distinction...
no one knew wat was, the demarcation...
all they cared for was being loyal... like all their ancestors, to the good, the fair...
no one paused to think wat wrong the dark did, apart from seeking revenge for its centuries of hurt..
centuries of discrimination, that enraged it to cruelty...

n now was the moment of glory for the ever adulated fair, the light...
that it wud not miss, for anything in the world, for history has to be repeated...
the dark sulked inside its empty soul, its own shadow... for it knew the history too...
but it stood magnificient and aweful... to fight back once more...
for it was not coy but brave... it was not tricky or clever like the manipulative fair... the one that had mesmerised the crowd already...
the dark knew the sin of its ancestors and why its lineage would never be accepted...
but it also wanted to avenge the crushing of its struggles without reasoning...
thrashing of its foregenerations for wat one at the very beginning did... avenge for the destruction of its lineage for the act of that ONE and never having been forgiven...
for never having been given a chance... for all the discrimination and the bias...
a long standing fight, before it was trashed away as the spiteful... before its bravery was forgotten along as the cunning of the fair would be....

for the fair would win... IT DID... hail the fair, the just, the ruler for generations tat have been and many yet to come...
yell with joy, ye welcoming herd, for ur loyalty has been rewarded...
ur sentiments for ur forefathers, who wer a victim of the first defaulter, the first dark, have been answered and justified...
u have sought revenge... miseries that may have prevailed if the dark, coming in the bloodline of the very first cruelty, had taken over, have been avoided...
no, we would never give anybody a second chance... not risk it...
no, we would never pause to think... even if our prejudices prevail for generations it is fine...
for the classification has been done... finalized... there it would be, fair, the light, that wud be good...
and there, this cruelty would be dark, and wud be destroyed... and we would never pause to think abt the means with which this was achieved...
no matter how "dark" the means may be...

hail light... let’s celebrate the victory of the light over the dark....

PS: First of all I did not want to write anything under this topic... Then I saw an entry (tat got the second place, which I thought deserved the first) and got inspired...

So, three things, no, four things actually... one: the poem was too long for a competition, imagine this in a hand written copy... Duh!!

two: I know it's not gr8 material...

three: the content is too dark and sarcastic to compete in a festive mood... n well, I confess I knew it already and just wanted people to read it... Atleast a few wud read, understand and well muse along... :) :)

FOUR: NO... NOT SOUR GRAPES... :) :) Past all tat stage anyway...

I was standing there...

I was standing there... a cup of coffee in my hand...
watching over the parapet... into the distant sky...
the important chatter n the unnecessary laughter...
all droning on around me...

n i was standing there looking to the stretching vastness of the busy lives and the shortness of them all...
like a friend once wrote, alone, but not lonely...
content with my cup of strong coffee...
with leaving my soul to my own thoughts... the thoughts that were always milling about in my head..

I was standing there with my pair of shoes in my hands...
a little wet n muddy, sand sticking to it...
the waves crashed in n retreated... gearing up to fight again...
the shore standing still and strong...
by letting go of its sand, little by little

n I was standing there with the splashing water throwing droplets to my face...
the sky, blue and all above, showing its share of magnificence...
the wind blowing more to thrust the waves forward...
the peace inside me, a piece too small...
my thoughts fighting to prove its dynamism, competing with these forces of nature...

I was standing there in testimony to the tales of a hundred thousand billion years of war and struggle...
attending the lectures of the beautiful silence, the ever captivating...
that speaks volumes, narrating the whole story of life on earth and even else where, may be...
documenting the short and the long events... the secrets, of the universe...
in that jungle of woods and variety...
did I stand, in harmony with that was all around me, but my soul...

n I was standing there listening to all that important chatter and unnecessary laughter...
all droning on around me...
back at the terrace of my workplace... with my cup of strong coffee... content with my thoughts to myself.....

Everything... Nothing...

I am walking... On n on go my feet...
Not knowing where... Not knowing how...
All by myself... Alternating darkness and Light...
No I am not stopping anywhere for my feet don't...
My mind wandering too, round n round, stuck at one point...
Its all blank... I am not thinking...
I am not seeing, not hearing, not feeling...
I just walk on and on...

There's a slight breeze that blows across my face, warm to the cold outside. Cold to the heat outside.
I do not know... I do not feel...

There's a light sunlight, in the cloudy sky, there's a fierce sun heating up the cold day...
There's a cool moonlight, lighting up my path... There's not even starlight in the shrouded dark...
And I walk on and on, on the command of my feet... On no will of anything at all...

I do not seek the shade to rest, I do not seek food for there's no appetite...
I do not feel pain or exhaustion... I am not numb for me not to feel...
I just walk on and on...

The path's cluttered with thorn, bush and flowers... I am walking in a desert, not even a mirage of an oasis...
The place is milling with people of all color, size and age... There's not a soul alive...
I am completely clad, to suit the cold... Bare naked to chill in the blasting heat...
I sweat and shiver and hug myself... I don't move a muscle, not a twitch of my finger...
I look all around me, there's no image recognition... I am not blind...
I hear all around me, still silence... I am not deaf...
I feel something, a lot of things on my skin... I am walking in void...
I taste blood, stench, sweet, sour, bitter blood... It's completely empty, nothing around...

I just walk on and on... Not knowing why...
All by myself... My mind wandering, fixed at one point...

As I gaze into your eyes...

As I gaze into your eyes...
Sometimes a deep blue ocean...
Sometimes the clear green sea...
Sometimes a sunlit drop of honey...
Sometimes the gray of pure water...
Sometimes the black of the night...
Sometimes the blackish brown of the woods...
Changing, according to my mood and need in the dream...

As I gaze into your eyes...
I touch the thousand stars I watch with you by my side, all night, in my dreams...
I am at all those exotic places, at once, that I visit with you, in my dreams...
I feel the tingle of a cool warm breeze across our faces, in my dreams...
I hear the rustle of leaves as we walk through the wonderful woods, in my dreams...
I jostle against the tourist crowds in all those shopping malls we visit, in my dreams...
I remember how I warmed up to the slight tightening of your hold on me, protective against those crowds, in my dreams... And I warm up again...
I feel the soothing heal for the burning pain I had felt that day, when I had tried to hide it but you had found out, with no words exchanged, that day in my dream...
I blush again at how you made me blush with those words whispered softly into my ears, in front of the whole crowd of our folk, at our wedding dinner, in my dream...
I remember every word of the thousands of amazing meaningful conversations that we had. probably making sense only to the two of us, in my dreams...
I fall gradually once again, like I did that day, when you casually started kissing me and I couldn't help but fall for it, that day, the first kiss, in my dreams...
I spend a silent afternoon in your arms, like that day, on a swing and two cups of coffee... like that day in my dreams...


As I gaze into your eyes... In my dreams...

I am sorry but I will haunt you.....

I hide in the shadows of the dark...
Slowly start to limp back to my graveyard...
For I know you felt me when I saw the slight shiver that went through you when you came too close... Similar to the hot blast I felt at my navel

When I heard the giggle and the slight snuggle, I died again...
For I know there's another soul that you are seeking...
To try and be happy, to be with, all your life, to live, to create beautiful memories...

And I cried there again for the ten thousandth time or may be more...
Silent sobs and loud dry tears... Wept like a wet sag squeezed to dry...
I know you can't see me, I know you can't hear me... I know you can't touch me...
But it is no different from when I was alive... Even then you did not do any of this.
Yes there is a feeble difference. THEN you DID NOT, NOW you CANNOT.

But strangely enough, now, you know when I am there, at least there's a physical reaction from your body.
I'm more visible now, after I am dead than I was when alive...

I know I am nothing but a haunting soul dying every minute of my whispy existence...
I know I am no more dead than the numb hours I spent looking out my window when you were happily whispering lines into HER ears.

But I know I have always been alive in those moments I watched you with nothing else to do with my life...
I was there, I am here. All the same. I was and still feel alive when I watch the sun play its rays on your strands of hair, sticking out unruly
when you bend down to whisper to Her.

Oh that day when my heart broke into shards, when I caught you in a corner, with your eyes full of love looking into hers...
When I saw those strong eyes melting and melting into those soft eyes of hers, on your strong handsome face...

That is when I died again... For that love was what I was craving for and it was right there in front of me, but no no, not for me.
That is when I lived the fullest, for I had seen that love in those eyes, that sight, my salvation.
Though not for me, it was there, as I had always imagined, may be more wonderful than in my dreams.
Well, I could accommodate a slight change, SHE was there instead of ME.

Funnily enough I never felt jealous of her.
Yes I died every time I saw you with her but that was mostly because my heart seemed to forget to beat when you were around...
Even more so when it realizes that you are not walking in my direction to meet me but to meet HER... another.

I am extremely sorry but I cannot help it. I will haunt you for ever. For here lies my heaven...
In those strong eyes... I am decent enough to let you live your life in the privacy you deserve.
But I will haunt you, in those moonlit nights you walk down alone, left to your own thoughts.
I will haunt you when you sleep alone, dreaming blissfully, just to look at you.
I will haunt you when you sing to yourself and smile, a romantic song, in practice to sing for that other lucky soul in your life.

I am content with watching you for the rest of my non existent life.
I am content with the slight shiver you feel when I brush a little too close, forgotten in those eyes.
That shiver indicating you felt me. That is enough. There lies my heaven. I choose to roam wild for this bliss.
I am no unfortunate soul, but a blessed one for I am eternally in love and I died when I was in love.
I am blessed for I died before I got options to confuse me
Before some guy comes to me and says "you are more visible to me than anything else in the world"... like you were for me...
Before somebody takes me for a partner for life out of sympathy or for some cunning reasons.

I am a blessed soul. I seek my heaven here. I will try to take care to not get too close to you too often.

I am sorry but I will haunt you.

For the people who know me well: No it is not about who you think it is about; sorry "you", the guy these ppl think it is abt.
So all of you, I am yes, the kind that would love someone so bad, but not yet... Will surely yell the name out when I do, so don't waste your energies assuming and/or speculating... :)

on the run...

நல்லா ஓடிட்டு இருந்த வாழ்கையில ஓடவே ஓடாத நான், இப்போ ஓடவே ஓடாத வாழ்கையில தினம் ஓடறேன்...

ஆபீஸ் பஸ் பிடிக்க தினம் லேட் ஆ  எழுந்து கிளம்பி ஓடும்போது கடுப்புல வந்த தத்துவம்...

transliteration:

nalla odittu iruntha vaazhkayila odave odaatha nan, ippo odave odaatha vaazhkayila dinam odaren...

result of frustration: staying in a far away place from office, try getting late n runnig to catch the office bus... almost everyday!!!... :P

an intellectual discussion on a poem by doing a post mortem on it OR,... a senseless blab??!!..... Perception, hmm...

For those interested in a discussion abt this poem, please read the note below nd then go on and read the poem.  For those without such patience/interest, well go ahead...

there she was carrying the heavy burden

the burden of a curse so severe that it caused -

a scar that ran through her mind;

a burn that seared her heart;

a pain that throbbed her whole body,

every minute of her existence;

she cud see everything in a view afar her own stand,

she cud talk abt anything in a neutral way - no influence,

she wud criticize everything fair n square...

the cynic - she was called

she initially enjoyed it -  even though

her witty words wud sting the men away

her wise cracks fell like whip cracks - causing them all to keep a safe distance..

she was independent in her own way...

n needed a lot of space...

so all this only, suited her...

she walked every path without fear

she moved through the jungle with no one near

she traversed far n wide - alone

she held a passion; a fire...

that scorched the less passionate

some looked at her in awe...

some sulked away

some tried to belittle her

none of this affected her... for she was not only a woman of intensity but of free spirit...

she was a child, a girl, a fascinated creature...

in awe n admiration of everything dark and everything fair...

she read through people but opened up to a lot she found to be good.

she was blatantly honest... n expected the same from others…

she was tactlessly straightforward...

she was blunt with a tongue as sharp as a sword...

she was loyal to the last drop of blood and sensitive when someone qsnd this...

all this was well untill she fell...

fell for the first time in her life to the beautiful feeling, the force she had always imagined, lived with, wanted...

the feeling, the force that was so familiar to her but had never been truly hers...

wen she hurt n bruised her little soul, she realised, that this was just a hint of that force tht she had always wanted... jus a mirage...

n she was not relieved by this revelation... she was even more worried...

if a mirage cud do this... if jus a shadow cud do this...

wat abt the real force that she worshipped...

wat if the real force came on her n left like the shadow did...

will she bleed to death… or will she survive n suffer…

as she thought abt this, she grew used to the fear being a part of her for eternity…

then she evolved into a symbiont or more a host to the parasitic fear tat sucked out her soul slowly…

but she was a gaiety being… an incorrigible optimist… so she did not die…

she had enuf hope n hence enuf life left in her to feed the parasite n keep herself alive…

she survived and suffered.  Suffering became nothing new.

The curse of imagination, fantasy and romanticism struck her again…

She grew from a gal to a lady in the process of becoming a woman…

She moved through various worlds and met a lot of people in her everlasting journeys. 

Now again she felt the presence of the force she sought all her life.

The force that eluded her always… the force who’s intensity she knew cannot stand but wanted it all the same.,,

the shadow of that force’s shadow planted a kiss on her n she was still craving…

she had been craving for the force all her life with all her might… she was a faithful pupil, a faithful follower.

/* Now the fear took a new form… there she had another revelation. The curse was not jus the trio.

The curse was also that she was never going to find a host of that force she was seeking…

There was no soul man enuf to host the force in the intensity she sought…

bcoz her curse made her (not easily impressed/unimpressed) unimpressible (unimpressionable)…

The cynic could not be convinced so easily.  The curse of her imagination had set high std’s.

She wanted the perfect host for the force… For THE force.  For HER force…

So no soul that played host for the force was good enuf to become HERS.

But all the same…*/

She knew the force was irresistible… it was indestructible… invincible… n she (her soul) was ready to play a whore for it all her life… because she knew all too well that it wud not stay to be her husband but haunt her all the more…

She knew it was not something to be contained or constrained but to be let free… much like her free spirit will and desire…

But she was possessed; obsessed with the force so much that she knew she was her own victim…

she would seek the force in every creek… every day of the week…

 /* every possibility of a host would be analyzed and she would be disappointed. */

She would die trying to belong to it and making it belong to her… coz she knew the force was insatiable much like her ravenous desire for the force… it would not remain… but she also knew she was much too good for the force to not return…

She would survive and suffer… everytime…

For she bore the scar… burnt in her hrt… ached all over her body… every minute of her existence…

For she was carrying the heavy burden of the curse; of imagination, of fantasy and romanticism…

She was a victim of her own desire…

She was the victim of and whore for the force… of her own free spirit… but the truth remains, that so is the force… she realized… even it has an insatiable hunger for her curse, that it came bk to haunt her… all her life… 

NOTE: ok... here goes... first read the red colored lines... if u read again u'll notice that the styles n context varies between the lines before and after the underlined line in blue... tats wer i stopped the first day I started writing this poem (21st Sept)...

n now include the light green lines n read the poem again... I had tried to add them in between to minimize the difference between the two days' work... and now the logical conflict arises... initially i am only talking abt the force, but later am talking abt the host and then returning to the force... which doesn suit...  well, if at all wat I am trying to explain here makes sense to u, u r welcome to discuss it... else, jus another blog... :)

PS: this is why I am generally not comfortable with stopping a poem half way one day and completing it on a later one.  There's a change in the style and or context ranging in intensity from subtle to obvious... hmmpf... :-/

I forbid thee, liar...!

the weekend has come n gone...

but the wind (read gmail) din bring a word from ma love...

she's there all alone all by herself....

and I am here amidst a bustling crowd, all by myself...

waiting for a word, a touch, a sweet kiss...

the parting was hard on both of us...

the world shifted on its plates...

but there was hope as the wind promised a medium...

for our souls to speak to each other...

for our hearts to listen to the beating out loud of each other's names...

for our hands to still feel the lingering hold wen we last walked together...

with that promise we parted... with tht hope we parted...

and now the wind has betrayed us... our souls are dying...

I will never forgive it for this...

but wat do I not understand, it keeps whispering something in my ear as I say this...

No, tht cannot be... No I know my love too well..

No she would not betray me...No I forbid you to talk abt her like tht to me...

No, I forbid thee, a liar to enter my nostrils...

I deny to live on a wind that betrayed me and put the blame on my love...

I love you darling and I am dying with the pride and honour of having loved and been loved by.. U...

Wrote this wen I had to mail a close friend who promised to mail me over the weekend and failed. I chose to keet the context but changed the roles... ;P
Funny, this thing called inspiration... ;P

Well, sry abt the language... rather honestly, not sry...!?

Do u know how it feels to be a fcuking loser...?
To hate urself, ur skin, ur soul, every min of ur existence?
To love it all @ the same time, to the same fcuking extent...?

Have u ever felt so sick to ur stomach, so disgusted @ ur own being...?
Have u ever wannd to kill urself and felt ashamed @ ur desire to live, even after having proved not jus to ur own self that u r a fcuking loser...?

Have u ever cried ur heart out, in silent sobs, in darkness, too ashamed of ur defeat inlife, of ur own uselessness...?

Have u ever felt like u r a constant burden, walking this earth, shtting all over the place, leaving behind ur stink...?
And felt the world wrinkle its nose, look @ u with the utmost contempt for u r a loathsome being...
Felt it all even though u do not have the fcuking guts to turn & look for the stench is too bad even though it is ur own...

Have u ever showed ur finger, in ur mind's eye, to "watever it is that brought u into existence", for it is a fcuked up job and u know it well coz u r that job...?

Have u ever felt like a fcuking loser, right in the middle of the world...
Blocking the path of every1 near n around u...
Making them hate u every min though they might not be able to say it all to u...

Have u ever screwed up every time, every time a person tries to clean u up, tries to make u over... Right at that moment wen they try, u sht again, stinking more than before...


Have u ever ever ever felt like a fcuking loser.....?

Incomplete - 3

On my bed,
I lay awake at night, listening to the music of falling rain,
     looking out at the beautiful view stretching before me and feeling the chilling wind...
Thinking about the things that could be, if I were there near you...
    The smile that spreads on my lips, the blush that flows to my cheeks...
The tenderness in me, unknown before, comes out to show me the woman I am
    The thoughts that give me the rush, it is you that my heart seeks...


The rough and tough, that tomboy is mellowing and mushing... O' look at what I am...
                      Never have I known I could be so...
                            Not seen ever the layer below...
                                      Hidden to my own soul it was...
                                                     Aroused by the simple thought of you...
Delicate was never me...
    Gentle unheard of before...
        Feminine afar me...
            Emotions always set ashore...


The tingling that runs from head to toe...
             The inkling of a woman yet to show...


I bite my lips and stop my smile
               for I am a fool in love with love...
The songs of love and romance and dreams are by heart to me..............................................

Another incomplete piece I wrote, around the time I wrote the previous 2 entries...

Incomplete - 2

தனக்குள் சிரித்துக்கொண்டு, உதட்டைக்  கடித்துக்கொண்டு
         உலகமரியாது உணர்ச்சிகளை மறைத்துக்கொள்கிறேன்...

கொட்டும் மழையோசை... குளிரும் இளங்காற்று
         நான் மட்டும் அவ்வறையில்... புன்னகையுடன்...

காதலனை நினைத்து மகிழும் காவியங்கள் உண்டேனிலே
         காதலை காதலிப்போர்க்கு ஒன்று..........?!


Again somthing that I wrote long back...

N yet again a transliteration... atb sav and similar ones... ;P

Thanakkul siriththukkondu, udattaik kadiththuk kondu,
        ulagamariyadu unarchigalai maraiththuk kolgiren...

Kottum mazhaiyosai... kulirum ilangaatru...
       nan mattum avvaraiyil... punnagaiyudan...

Kadalanai ninaiththu magizhum kaaviyangal undenile
       kadalai kadalipporkku ondru.....?

Incomplete - 1

தன்னில் உருகும் தனிமையில் உருகும்
     இந்தப் பெண்ணின் மனமும் ஒரு பண்ணில் உருகும்
தனக்கென துணையொன்று வரும் தருணத்தை நோக்கி
      கண்ணில் கனவின் கனம் கண்ணீர்ப்பெருக்கும்
விண்ணில் நிலவும் மண்ணில் விழும் மழையும்
     என் என்னை நனைக்கும் பல எண்ணங்கள் கொடுக்கும் 

Just giving a try on my tamil blogging... This is something I wrote long back n that too incomplete... Hoping to blog more in tamil... Wish me luck... ;P

Hey sav, u had asked me to transliterate and thought ya so many of my tamil poem fans (lol!!) who do not know to read tamil script, will actually be benefited... ;P

Well, here goes:  All thebest...;P

Thannil urugum thanimayil urugum,
     Indap pennin  manamum oru pannil urugum...
Thanakkena thunaiyondru varum tharunaththai nuokki,
     kannil kanavin ganam, kanneerp perukkum...
Vinnil nilavum mannil vizhum mazhayum
    en ennai nanaikkum, pala ennangal kodukkum...
    

Raw Hurt: In awe of the serpent, the satan, the Self Doubt...

I am a grieving widow...
Or am I a case of unrequited love?
Had desired you with the utmost lust...
Had loved you in my deepest core...
Had fantasized 'us' in every dream...
Had lived with you, in you, thrived on you...


But you slipped right through my fingers...
Standing in front of me, kindling the fire in me,
pushing everything else out of my mind...It was just you...
Consuming me whole, my every thought... But then you melted into invisibility...
All those crazy years of love and lust, flew away as flecks of dust...
Without a physical trace, you left me..Standing there with nothing but your memories.

My desire, love and lust for you intensified a thousand fold... Killing me from the inside...

Standing there... Stamped with hurt and injury, sore and tired, with your imprints all over me...

Imprints of your having been inside me... Having possessed me... Having burned me..:

With just the idea of you, of us...

I am wasted away now... Incapable of having any other to take your place...

Empty...Burning...Jealous...Angry...On all those who have an equivalent of you-for-me

I hate you...I hate myself...I hate the world...

I hate the 'GOD/power of Nature/My incapacity to retain you',call what you want,that mocks me with your thoughts and memories...
Thoughts of 'what could have been' if we were let to be 'us'...

I still remember the warmth that flooded me when you were inside me...The throb that

seared at the challenge of having you...

The wonder that used to spread when I used to think I am soon going to be with you...

for real...Not just in my thoughts or dreams...

And right when you showed up in full virility...
Right at that moment, I knew, you and I could actually, finally, be us...
Right at that moment, I knew that I am going to savour every bit of time spent with you...

Every little bit OF YOU...

Right at that moment...You vanished...Just like that...


All my struggles to even nurse your thoughts,

All my struggles to get to that first and final glimpse of you, asserting my dreams of A YOU and ME true,

Breaking without a sound into shards of ten thousand, tidal waves of bubbles that

did not hurt me physically but left me in awe of the magnificient cruelty...

Left me dumbfound...Tied and Rigid... Inaction took over...


Now I am a zombie...Incapable...Invalid...

May be I was the one responsible for the whole evil...That teeny tiny nag of a doubt acted the satan, the serpent, the wonder of a creature of sin, of dark awe...

In this case not sinning by letting us unite...But just the contrary...
Putting between us, a distance infinite..... Unreachable.....

For Ever... For Ever...

Dedicated to my lost love, my lost dream, now buried for ever...